A Million Miles Away
by greysgurl
Summary: Maybe they watched it fall. Maybe they just didn’t care anymore. But in the end it didn’t take much to push them to the edge… After their downfall, can Meredith and Derek still fight for each other, even a million miles away? MD Please R&R!
1. Questions

_**Summary: Maybe they watched it fall. Maybe they just didn't care anymore. But in the end it didn't take much to push them to the edge… After their downfall, can Meredith and Derek, still fight for them, when they need one another the most, despite the fact that they are a million miles away?**_

_**Authors Note: Ok…not exactly a new writer, but this is the first story I've posted. The summary is rubbish, and I'm sure that the first chapter is a little slow. Just…give it a chance. It'll pick up (hopefully :P) around chapter 3! **_

**_Disclaimers: In the wise words of Phoebe Buffay. Not-mine, not-mine, not-mine._**

* * *

Meredith rolled over on her bed. She was bordering somewhere, in the twilight zone between conscious and asleep. She was in a tangled mess of cream sheets, one long leg exposed to the crisp morning. As she curled into her body into a new position, a sleep frown crossed her dazed features. Cold. Cold sheets.

She extended a hand, blinding thumping the bed around her. Empty. Vacant.

Meredith's grey eyes cracked open, ever so slightly to reveal slithers of the character beneath. Where was her husband?

Slowly, neuron-by-neuron, her brain awoke. Something was wrong…where was her husband?

She placed her palms flat on the cool sheets, pushing herself into a sagged, yet upright position. A cool breeze whistled around her, and Meredith was suddenly aware of her entire body.

Naked, she was naked. As memories of the night before, filtered into her still groggy mind, a satisfied smile met her lips. Clutching a sheet to her chest, she began to survey the room, with a hooded, but sated stare.

'Good morning beautiful,' a deep, silky voice came from the door. Out of the shadowed hall, emerged her very sexy, very handsome husband. To perfect the image, he was laden with two cups of steaming coffee.

'Derek,' she breathed huskily.

He smirked at her, placing the coffee by the bed, crawling up to meet her on the bed.

'You know,' he whispered, leaning in so their lips were almost touching, 'I was thinking,'

Meredith kept her gaze firmly at his lips that seemed to taunt her, moving, to form the dirty words that he was saying.

'About what?' she murmured, innocently stroking his bare chest.

'You,'

Their lips met in a deep, languid kiss. Damn he was so good.

'I think it's time for round…what are we up to? Eight?'

Meredith giggled, as pushed her gently back against the bed.

_**Beep. Beep. Beep.**_

Meredith groaned at the familiar sound.

'Make it stop,' she whined, struggling to sit up. Her head was full of images, that she wasn't sure she'd be able to stop thinking about.

Instinctively, she looked down. Damn. Stupid clothes, She was dressed, but…it was such a good dream.

With a quick glance around the room, Meredith found the main object of her dreams. Her husband, pulling a blue sweater over his head.

'Morning,' she said timidly, watching him cross to their bed. He was preoccupied with attaching the racketing pager to the waistband of his jeans.

'Morning,' Meredith repeated, louder this time.

Derek's blue eyes flew to meet hers, and a flash of surprise slid across his features, before falling back into stone.

Grunt.

He'd heard her, and he'd chosen to ignore her, that was the only acknowledgement she was going to get.

'Where are you going?' she questioned hesitantly. She knew the answer; she just wanted him to say it.

He didn't meet her eyes this time, 'Hospital,'

Meredith's felt the twinge in her stomach, the one she'd become accustom to over the past few years, and yet she followed the same routine she did every morning.

'Again, Derek?' she sighed helplessly.

He was running a comb through his hair, his back to her.

'Derek!' she cried.

He looked at her through the mirror, and she swore she saw a hint of remorse.

'There's a head of department meeting at the hospital,' he offered coldly, turning around, and walking to the bed.

'Can't you just get someone to…I don't know, give you an outline or whatever!' Meredith begged, grabbing his hand, 'It's your day off,'

'No,' he growled, grabbing his bag in the spare hand, 'It looks bad if I'm not there,'

'Please,'

He reefed his hand angrily out of her grasp, "I said no Meredith!'

He stalked out of their room, slamming the door behind him. Meredith listened sadly, as he stormed down the stairs, kicking the front door shut. Then there was silence.

What had happened to them?

They used to be so happy. It had been perfect. They had been completely and utterly in love. He had proposed at a restaurant, gotten down on one knee and offered her his life. The wedding had been full of romance, and purple taffeta. And the honeymoon, in Fiji. Every sun filled hour, passed in the crystal clear water, together. It had been more than she had ever dreamed of.

And then came the job offer. Mt Sinai Medical Centre, Head of Neurosurgery. It had been his old haunt. He loved that place. Meredith just wanted him to be happy, so within weeks, they were moving into an expensive townhouse, in the middle of Manhattan, leaving rainy Seattle behind. With her friends and family.

She was in a whole new world. The only person she knew was her husband, and the other residents at the hospital were cut throat and unwelcoming.

How had they gotten here?

Meredith sighed, dragging herself out of the myriads of thoughts and questions beginning to fill her mind. She glanced at the clock beside her. The neon numbers glowed back at her, 5:28 AM.

There was no good in trying to sleep again, she was far to alert for slumber. Groaning, she threw back the covers, letting her bare feet rest on the cool wooden floors. Shivering with the contact, she tore the duvet off the bed, and wrapped it around her shoulders. Softly she padded across the wooden floor and to the door.

She looked around the place she now called home. The townhouse was floored with glossy pine along the hall, down the stairs and into the den. Running her hands along the banister, she clambered down the stairs. A sentimental smile settled on her lips as she stood on the landing. Meredith's hand extended to brush against the wooden frame on the pale yellow walls.

Their wedding photo.

There she was, Derek opposite her, staring adoring into one another's eyes. Cristina stood just behind Meredith in a lilac dress, Addison and Izzie falling into place beside her. Behind Derek were Bourke, Mark and Alex, looking smart in tuxes. Meredith's gaze fell onto the strong form of her husband. The gentle way his hands clasped her silk clad waist. The way his eyes were sparkling in her directions, and that smile, how long had it been since she last saw that smile?

Sighing heavily, she continued her plight into the kitchen.

* * *

Meredith's day dragged by slowly. What was she supposed to do on her day off, when she didn't know anyone else in the city? So, instead, she stayed at home, catching up on paperwork. 

'Hello, Mrs Patterson, this is Dr Meredith Shepherd. I received a call from yesterday in regards to your recovery,' she said sweetly, pressing the phone up against her ear. She may as well have been at work.

The elderly patient rambled on, as Meredith scribbled the details down in one hand, whilst she occupied herself with the washed potatoes. Derek would want dinner eventually, when she got home. She should probably start it. Ever since they had been married, Derek made an effort, to teach her how to cook. And, so far, he had sort of succeeded. She could roast potatoes, and throw a steak on to fry.

'It was nice talking to you Mrs Patterson,' Meredith said, 'Come see me tomorrow, and I'll talk about a follow-up course of antibiotics…ok then, have fun with your needlepoint,'

As Meredith hung up, she began to wonder whether she wouldn't be so lonely if she had a hobby.

'Maybe I should take up needlepoint,' she mused.

Just then, the phone rang, jarring her from her nonsensical thoughts.

'Hello, Meredith Shepherd,' she answered hopefully. Was it Derek? Or maybe Cristina.

'Meredith?' came a deep voice from the other end, 'It's Jonathan Martin,'

Meredith's heart sunk, and she bit her lip, 'Dr Martin,' she greeted, sadly, 'How can I help you?'

Jonathan was the Chief of Surgery at their hospital. He was a nice guy, but not much of an authority figure. She would never respect him as much as she did Richard Webber.

'Is Derek home yet?' he asked, 'I need to speak to him,'

'Er…' Meredith began, 'No, he's…not,' she said slowly. Glancing out the window just in case, she continued, 'Isn't he at the hospital?'

'No,' Jonathan replied easily, 'He left at about twelve,'

She glanced at her watch. It was six o'clock now.

'Oh,' was all she could manage, 'B-but…'

Jonathan sighed, like he couldn't possibly have time to comfort her, 'Look, Meredith, for what it's worth, he's an intelligent man. He'll be fine,'

'Yeah…' she said quietly, trying to convince herself.

'But you should know that Derek lost one of his patients today. Molly. She was six,'

Meredith let a heavy sigh escape her lips. She knew only to well the repercussions of Derek's failures.

'Ok, thankyou sir,'

When she hung, Meredith gripped the kitchen bench firmly, trying to ignore the frantic pounding of her heart. He was fine.

She moved to the small stack of dishes in the sink, and immediately began scrubbing at them. She needed something to do. Otherwise, her hands would shake and she would get worried and then she'd cry.

As if on cue, the front door burst open, making a large bang as it hit the wall behind it.

Meredith, startled, hurried into the hall, 'Der? Is that you?'

She peeked around the corner to see her husband, struggling to unbutton his coat. Something was wrong, she could tell. His hair was mussed and his tie hanging loosely around his neck.

'Who else would it be!' he yelled, 'Your young scrub nurse? The guy you screw when I'm at work?'

Meredith frowned as he stumbled towards her, collapsing into her arms. Meredith winkled her nose as a wave of stale scotch and cigarette smoke hit her.

'Woah!' she cried, stooping to support.

He tipped his head back and focused on his wide. He gave her a wide, crooked grin.

'You are hot,' he informed her proudly.

'Derek,' she admonished, helping him to his feet.

'What?' he cried, stumbling away from her. He dragged himself into the kitchen, and began moving around in there.

Like a faithful puppy, Meredith trailed in after him, watching in slight concern as his helped himself to a bottle of beer from the fridge.

'I…I think you've had enough,' she said firmly, 'You should get some sleep,'

Derek turned around slowly to face her, and her insides froze with fear.

'Derek,' she whimpered weakly, watching his eyes turn stony.

'I'm jus so sick of you Meredith!' he yelled, 'You are always hanging around, nagging me!'

'Derek…' she tried again.

'I just wanna live my life,' he bellowed, 'Because life is short. Life is so…fucking short!'

He pointed at her, his hand trembling unsteadily, 'You think, that you have forever. But you don't! You don't get to be a person, because one person's stupid mistake ends your life! At six!'

He finished his drunken rant, with a decisive not of his head. Meredith hesitantly inched closer to her husband, placing a hand on his forearm. Derek's blue eyes focused on her with a sad expression.

'Her death wasn't your fault,' she soothed in a soft voice, 'You couldn't have done anything more,'

'She was six,' his whispered, his voice cracking painfully, 'Just six,'

Meredith buried her head into his shoulder. He smelt like cigarettes, but in the end, he was still her Derek.

'It hurts,' he told her quietly, 'I don't want it to hurt,'

'It won't hurt forever,' Meredith promised.

Silence blanketed them, making the void that had been created between them, even wider. They didn't know what to say next, as the ringing sound crept into every corner of their house.

Meredith let Derek's weight lean heavily on her. Right now, he needed her just to be there.

She kept her eyes closed, her face burrowed deeply into his sweater. Out of nowhere, his feather light touch whispered past her chin. His fingers gripped her chin, suddenly tipping her head back.

In the tense room, husband and wife studied each other. Derek looked down at Meredith. There was something unreadable, unbidden in his blue eyes.

Slowly, he lowered his head, leaning closer to his wife.

Now he was supporting her. Their hips pressed against another's, his arm strongly supporting her waist. Meredith stared at him, her breath catching in her throat.

'Derek…' she murmured.

His lips brushed against hers in a soft grazing kiss. Every one of Meredith's senses was awoken, in the sudden, tender expression.

He pulled away, so that only their hips were touching. His eyes were darkened with desire. Her heart began to pound, as she watched him, waiting for him.

He frowned, before pulling her closer. He wrapped a hand around her neck, pulling her up to him, bringing their lips to meet again.

That set off a damn of passion that they hadn't had for so long. Derek's lips pressed hungrily against hers, in a searing, fiery kiss.

Meredith sighed, melting against him. His hands wrapping in her long hair, pulling her head back. He forced his tongue into her mouth, and she went weak at the knees at the sheer pleasure.

She whined, as his lips left hers. He was breathing heavily,

'I need you Meredith,' he whispered, 'I need for it to be alright,'

Meredith nodded, bringing her hands up to tangle in his thick curls.

'Ok,'

With that, he lunged forward and kissed her again. Meredith let him. She was resigned to the fact that he needed her, even if it was just for tonight. He was using her, and she knew it, but for the first time in months he wanted her, and she certainly wasn't one to let it by.

_I was giving the best of me, but the best stopped being good enough _

_-Tamia_

_**Author's Note: It could have been longer. Actually…I had originally extended this scene…but I decided it was waaay to much for a first chapter. So…let me know what you think. Hit the pretty purple button…you know you want to!**_


	2. Losing You

Sitting here alone thinking it through, Trying to convince myself that I'm not losing you 

Meredith sat at her breakfast table, looking at the toaster wistfully. She should eat breakfast, but she didn't really want to. She was…distracted. Derek hadn't been home a full night since his six year old patient. She had seen him about four hours in the two weeks since. What had happened to him? To them? She couldn't be in denial forever. Something was happening, and she knew it, but…for now, she refused to believe it. They _were _Meredith and Derek after all.

'Morning Dr Shepherd,'

Meredith turned at the familiar voice hollering her name, 'Hey Dr Leyton,'

'Oh, you know to call me Jessica,'

Meredith smiled, at the woman in front of her. Dark hair, porcelain skin, bright, ice blue eyes, and the pert, red lips could only mean one woman.

Dr Jessica Leyton had been an intern, when Meredith was her resident. They had grown surprisingly close, and Meredith had even been at her wedding to her fellow intern Kyle.

'Morning Jess,' she grinned.

'You don't look so good, are you feeling okay?'

'Yeah, I'm good;' Meredith smiled, 'Just stayed up waaayy to late last night. I was on call all night and I got called in again about two hours ago. I got an entirety of maybe half an hours sleeping,'

'Life as a surgeon,' Jessica laughed.

'I have a neuro case, do you have an intern for me?' Meredith asked in interest, looking at the chart of her new patient.

'Let me see,' Jessica peered over her shoulder, flipping her dark hair from her face, 'Ohh…that sounds interesting. Perkins can take it,'

Jessica's pager went off and she groaned, 'I'll tell Perkins to find you,'

Ten minutes later, Meredith was standing in the hallway waiting for her intern.

As if on cue, a short boy, came sprinting down the hallway towards her, grinding to a halt right in front of her. His short brown hair was messy, and sweat was obvious on his forehead.

'I'm…so…sorry…' he panted breathlessly.

'It's okay Perkins. I haven't even gone in yet,'

'Good,' he sighed, running a hand through his hair, 'Please don't kick me off,'

Meredith frowned, clutching her stomach. It whined painfully, and she groaned.

'A-are you okay Dr Shepherd?' the intern asked curiously.

'Fine Perkins,' she smiled, 'Just…I shouldn't have eaten that leftover seafood pizza last night,'  
The intern grinned knowingly, 'Don't you know you shouldn't keep seafood in the fridge for more than twenty four hours!'

Meredith laughed, 'I do now! Now lets go find this patient,'

Meredith marched down the hallway, trying to brush aside the waves of nauseousness that were sweeping over her. She stopped, just short of the patient's room, closing her eyes with a grimace.

The intern cast a worried glance at his boss, doubled over in pain, 'Dr Shepherd…do you…'

'No,' she gasped, screwing up her face, 'I'll be okay in just a…'

She opened her eyes, straightening up again, hoisting an overly fake smile to her face.

'I'm good,'

Meredith barged into the room, internally repeating her newest mantra.

_I am fine. I am fine. I am fine._

Perkins immediately moved the patient's chart, handing it to her. Meredith took in the entirety of the room. Middle aged, brunette, caked in makeup and gaudy hot pink lipstick, her over-permed her set perfectly. A teenager girl, with long blonde hair, and wide blue eyes, disinterestedly flicking through a magazine on her lap. She knew these types. She was in for some fun this morning.

'Good morning Mrs Weldon,' Meredith greeted, flipping through the patients chart, 'How are you this morning?'

'I've been better,' the woman groaned, glaring at the young man in the room, 'And your intern here isn't helping,'

'I assure you, Mrs Weldon, that Dr Perkins here is highly competent,' Meredith said sweetly, through gritted teeth, 'Perkins?'

'Uh…Mrs Anne Weldon, admitted overnight with headaches, vomiting, and blurred vision,'

'She was like thrashing about the place when we first got her here,' the teenager offered with a dark glare.

'_And _she had a grand mal seizure just as she got into the emergency room,' Perkins ground out, narrowing his eyes.

Meredith nodded, 'And what do you think it could be,'

'Possibly a tumour, but we need to run tests to find out,'

'Well…' Meredith began, as the familiar feeling began to settle in her stomach, 'Well just…'

The wave climbed higher over her, and Meredith knew that she couldn't stop it.

'I…' she began, finding her body already lurching, 'I…'

She dashed from the room, holding her mouth, and into the nearest bathroom.

'I should…' the intern said awkwardly.

'Meredith?'

Meredith had locked herself away in a stall in the ladies restroom, and was kneeling on the floor over the toilet.

'Meredith? Are you in here?'

Meredith would know the voice of Jess anywhere, 'Yeah…I'm in here,' she sighed, kicking the door open for Jess to find her.

'My god, Perkins was right, are you okay?'

'No. I feel like shit,' Meredith said plainly, standing up slowly.

'Do you want me to page your husband?'

Meredith scoffed, walking over to the sink. She rested her palms against the rim, and looked up at the mirror.

'No,' was her dry reply, 'I'd say he's busy,'

'Ok then,' Jess sighed, sidling up to Meredith.

Meredith began to wash her face, in the cool water, 'I just…I just need some sleep. I'll go to an on call room. I need…sleep. Before I go to surgery,'

'Derek could do it,'

'Derek's busy,' Meredith snapped.

'O-ok then,'

Everyone knew about Meredith and Derek. Everyone loved Meredith and Derek. They were the dream team of the hospital, they never had problems, and they always depended on each other. Until recently that was…everyone had begun to notice it, the cracks slowly forming in the steady rock that had always been Meredith and Derek. But everyone was certain that they were strong enough to hold out.

Now Jess wasn't to sure.

'Are you and…Dr Shepherd ok?'

'Why wouldn't we be?' Meredith asked, looking up at her. Tears were forming in her eyes, and she bit her lip furiously, 'We're fine. We're good. So just…no, we're good,'

Jess nodded, wrapping an arm around Meredith, 'You _really _should get some sleep, or some coffee,'

'Sleep will do,'

A few hours later, Meredith was running through the halls again. She was feeling a lot better know, still a little queasy, but she would be fine to operate. Mrs Weldon had a tumour. An operable one at that. She had a surgery in a few hours.

She spied her husband leaning up against the nurse's station, filling out a chart. He was talking to a blonde resident, Mina. Meredith never liked Mina; she was another one of her old interns. Mina had been pushing, overbearing and overly annoying. She had short blonde hair that she always had extensions put in, to make it around her waist, only so she could pile it up on her head with a set of chopsticks. She had a turned up nose, and piggy, brown eyes. And she had always had a crush on Derek.

Right now, said husband was smiling warmly at said resident. They were chatting in soft voices, obviously in a conversation meant only for them.

Derek finished his conversation with Mina placing a hand on her shoulder, 'OR 2! Mina…Dr Michelson,'

Meredith hurried up to him, 'Hey there!' she said happily, bumping his shoulder with hers.

'Hey,' he said distractedly, not even looking up at her.

'So, I was thinking, we could get Japanese tonight? Eat in, just you and me?' she suggested.

'Uh…no,' he said slowly, still reading, 'I'm on call,'

'Oh come on Derek. I get off at ten, you get off at ten, it's perfect!' she cried, grabbing his left hand. He guiltily looked at the gold glinting on his finger but pushed it aside.

He glanced at her face, positively shining with excitement.

'Fine, you order the food, I'll meet you at home,' he finally turned to give her a warm, promising smile.

'Ok!' she giggled, kissing his cheek, before skipping off excitedly.

'_Maybe things were looking up,' _she mused, as she ran away from her husband. They had been through a rough patch, but…didn't every marriage? This was normal, and they were…they were Meredith and Derek. They practically lived by 'What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Stronger'

They were going to pull through this. She smiled softly, glancing fondly at the rings on her finger. They were going to be fine.

Even as she got pulled into surgery, nothing could wipe the goofy grin off her face. They were them again.

Derek let himself into the house quietly. It was two a.m. He was stuffed, but his surgeries had all been successful. But he was late. He had left Meredith behind, and hadn't even called.

Now he was hungry, and ready to go to bed. He had forgotten about Meredith, right up until he pulled up in his driveway, seeing her car.

Turning on the soft lamp in the hall, he kicked off his shoes, and coat, instantly noting Meredith's flats, haphazardly lying across the hall, her coat draped on the table lazily. He growled, her habits could be annoying sometimes.

He made his way into the kitchen, grabbing a beer, and a piece of seafood pizza.

_I wonder how long that's been there?_ He pondered casually, taking a bite out of it. Derek wandered into the den where he was planning on watching Seinfeld reruns until he needed to go to bed.

But as he went to flop onto the couch, he stopped dead. There was his wife, curled innocently on the leather, a thin throw rug draped over her shoulders. A box of untouched Japanese takeaway lay on the coffee table beside her as well as a half drunk glass of water. Her face was pale, circles sunken deep under her eyes. She looked…ill.

'Hey,' she croaked, looking up at him dryly.

'Hi,'

'You didn't show,'

'No…I'm sorry,' he began apologetically.

'No, it's…it's okay. Cristina called anyway. I…I left you some food,'

'Oh…well…I'm…already accounted for,' Derek said, holding up the pizza.

Meredith shrugged shifting so she was upright; patting the now empty space beside her, 'Sit with me?'

Derek looked at her hopeful face, shining with anticipation of a moment, just a second with her husband.

'I should sleep,' he said gruffly, turning around, and heading to the door. He would not turn to face her. He would _not _turn to face her.

He turned to face her, seeing her face crumple with the sting of his words. She pulled her knees up to her chest.

'Well…yeah…I guess, that would be good. Coz you've been working…long…long hours, and you need some…rest… and then there's work…tomorrow,' she rambled, wrapping her arms around her self protectively, 'Yeah…you should sleep,'

Derek ignored the twinge of guilt he felt as he turned around and began to trudge towards the stairs.

'Good night!' she called out hopefully, 'I love you,'

Derek stopped dead at the foot of the stairs, 'Yeah, whatever,'

It was hours later that he heard her crawl up into bed. She softly padded into the room, pulling back her side of the bed. Once upon a time, she would have slid into his arms, spooning tightly against him. Now, she placed herself under the sheets, curling into a protective ball.

She thought he was asleep he could tell, because the next thing he knew was her shaking softly, before weak, hushed cries began. The cries turned into muffled sobs, before quietening down into violent, yet completely soundless shakes.

'I just want you back,' he heard her whisper, before rolling into her usual position. It was more out of habit that they held each other in bed these days, not for the sheer want to.

He let his arm wrap around her waist, and he could feel the material of her t-shirt, damp from the tears she had just cried.

Who were they anymore? Did he even care that he didn't know what his wife ate for dinner last night? Did he really care anymore?

'I love you,' she mumbled.

Meredith lay awake, in Derek's warm embrace. It was mechanical, robotic even. It wasn't him anymore. The Derek she knew, that she married was happy, and would laugh at his own jokes. Derek didn't even know what a joke was anymore! Would he care, or even notice if she left? If one day, she packed up her things and left his life? How long would it take for him to sign the divorce papers? Would he come looking for her?

It wasn't the first time she had thought about this, but never had she seriously considered walking out the door. But some day's…days like these, she was on the edge, balancing on the fine line. She was certain she would only need to stumble the slightest and be on her way out.

Was it possible for them to salvage what they had left? Would they ever be the same again?

So tell me why, you don't care enough to try 

_Are you giving up this fight, I can't stand, won't stand losing you_

_**Authors Note**__: So, Meredith's in a tough place. She still loves Derek, and doesn't want to let him go, but she feels like she doesn't have a hold on him anymore. She's close to leaving. And Derek is always letting her down, making promises he can't keep. But he feels guilty. Oh and the residents introduced in this chapter? We haven't heard the last of them yet… Another filler chapter but the next chapter…well, I know what's happening. In fact, I've written it. Boy it's…fun…_

_I thought I'd post another chapter today, because, tomorrow Deathly Hallows is out-for me anyway. (!!!) But, if I'm still of stable mental capability or even able to stop crying by the time I've finished, I'll post another chapter! (Promising eh?) So for now…press the pretty purple button and I'll love you forever!_


	3. When It Was Me

**_Summary: Maybe they watched it fall. Maybe they just didn't care anymore. But in the end it didn't take much to push them to the edge… After their downfall, can Meredith and Derek, still fight for them, when they need one another the most, despite the fact that they are a million miles away?_**

**_A/N: I've done with Deathly Hallows. Twice. And then I had my few days pause to mull over it with all my friends. Now I'm Harry Pottered out. Enjoy._**

**_Disclaimer: Still not mine. Haven't done enough car washes to raise enough money to take over ABC...sigh_**

* * *

_I remember you would shiver every time I said your name _

_You said nothing felt as good as when you gaze into my eyes, now you don't care I'm alive  
How did we let the fire die? _

'Close up Potter,' Meredith instructed, tearing her scrub cap off her head.

Meredith was exhausted. Fighting for Derek was exhausting. Breathing, living, and sheerly existing alone were exhausting. She just wanted to sleep. She had been at work since the early hours of the morning, and had found mere minutes to breathe between surgeries. It didn't help that she had the flu. She'd caught it about a month ago, and it didn't appear to be going away anytime soon.

She scrubbed out slowly, rinsing her hands absently under the icy water. There had been a ten-car pile up this morning. A school bus was sent spinning off the highway, and one person stopped to help. The damn fool in the SUV behind him forget where his brakes were and went crashing into the tiny gold Acura. Somehow that wound up with ten different cars and trucks smashed together on the highway.

Meredith had just finished operating on the bus driver. He had a subdural hematoma upon impact.

She trudged up to the nurse's station, wondering whether or not there were any more people in the state left to operate on. The nurse smiled at her softly as Meredith leaned up against the bench, flipping open the driver's chart.

'Morning Dr Shepherd,' the nurse greeted, looking up from her computer.

'Is it?' Meredith groaned. She glanced briefly at the clock above the nurse's head. It was only ten o'clock in the morning. She had been here since only three. She had a long way to go still, 'Dammit,'

'Dr Leyton!' Meredith heard a couple of whiny voices yell repeatedly, 'Dr Leyton, Dr Leyton, Dr Leyton!'

Meredith turned to see Jess striding towards the nurses station, about seven different interns trailing behind her, like baby birds, waiting to be fed.

'Dr Leyton! I need a new assignment! My patient died,'

'Dr Leyton, can I swap with Katie, because honestly, I'm _so _not into rectal exams, and…she was late this morning, not me,'

'Dr Leyton, why aren't you listening to me?'

'I hear you all!' Jess cried angrily, 'I'm just choosing to ignore you! I'm not here to hold your hand. Now go away!'

The interns voices died down as they siphoned off their boss, with a chorus of mumbled, 'Sorry Dr Leyton's,'

Meredith grinned, as Jess reached the bench beside Meredith. She flopped heavily onto it, almost doubling over the grimy bench.

'I fucking hate interns,' she said in a muffled voice.

Meredith chuckled, 'Now you know how much I loved you guys,'

'We honestly weren't that bad were we?' Jess begged, straightening up slightly.

'Well…Mina was…she was everywhere, all the time, saying things,' Meredith shrugged nonchalantly, 'You at least had a head on your shoulders,'

'I always wondered how she made it through the program,' the resident wondered out loud.

Meredith laughed, 'I'm surprised you and Kyle managed to get through with all the sex in closets that you two had!'

Jess grinned sheepishly, 'That was mortifying the first time you caught us,'

'Oh and by the eighteenth time you were used to me seeing you completely naked?' Meredith asked dryly, snapping the chart closed.

'What was that about naked?'

Standing in front of them was Kyle Leyton, holding two cups in his hands, barely balancing four charts under his arm. His spiky, sandy hair was sticking up oddly, like the gel he was using didn't work quite right.

'Hey there Kyle,' Meredith greeted, while Kyle brushed his stubbled cheek against his wife's.

'Hey Meredith,' the resident replied, dumping the charts on the bench, 'Here,'

He offered Meredith one of the paper cups in his hand, which she took gratefully. Slowly, she took a long, deep sip, anticipating the bitter, scorching taste of caffeine…instead…

'Oh shit!' she cried, spitting out her mouthful,

Kyle frowned at her in concern, 'To much sugar?'

'That's is freaking tea Kyle! Like no caffeine, no taste tea! ' she yelled, sticking her tongue out of her mouth in disgust.

'Yeah, you're sick,' Kyle shrugging, wrinkling his nose at his logic, 'You give sick people tea,'

Meredith rubbed a hand over her face, 'Thanks,'

'I married an idiot!' Jess crowed, kissing her husband, 'A cute one at that though…'

Meredith groaned, 'All you happy married people. You make me sick!'

A pager went off, and instinctively everyone looked down to their belt.

'Oh look,' a loud voice called across the waiting room, 'It's Dr Shepherd. He wants me to assist him in a hemispherectomy. Isn't that amazing, a resident, assisting in such a complicated procedure. Normally he would ask another attending!'

Meredith shot a glare at the speaker. Mina '_and her stupid turned up nose' _she thought bitterly.

'I should probably go find, _Dr Shepherd. _That's the head of neurosurgery of course,' Mina announced, fluttering her eyelids at the awed interns of hers,

'He's looking for me,'

Meredith continued to glare at Mina's retreating body, 'Bitch,' she muttered, turning back to the nurse's station, 'I hate her,'

'Me too,' Jess said happily, 'You want to drink to that? Say tonight…Highland Bar, a couple of streets from here? Lets say about…ten? Bring Derek if you want,'

'Yeah, sure,' she smiled, 'I'll see you then,'

Meredith pager beeped then, and she groaned, 'Oh well, back to surgery I guess,'

* * *

'Great job Dr Michelson,' Derek smiled at the young resident, scrubbing out beside him. 

'That was just…' the girl said, sighing breathily, 'Enthralling,'

'Yeah. It was,' Derek laughed, 'Those hemispherectomy's are something aren't they?'

'Oh yeah, such a…complicated…masculine, hardcore procedure,' she replied, sauntering closer to him.

He laughed uneasily, 'Yeah well…'

'Dr Shepherd? I admire you,' she whispered deeply, bringing her mouth up to his ear, 'You are amazing.'

'…thankyou Dr Michelson,'

'Oh,' she giggled shyly, looking up at him through a veil of eyelashes, 'Derek, you can call me Mina,'

He looked a little taken aback, as she placed a hand on his arm, 'My real names Minerva, but…I guess you could call me Mini?'

'How old are you…uh…Mini?' he asked out of curiosity.

'29,' she sighed, walking her fingers up the neck of his scrubs, before tracing her finger back down.

'And…do you have a boyfriend?'

'Of three years, but…nothing's set it stone…right?'

'No…of course not…no…ring,' he whispered, gulping at the last word.

Mina's fingers interlocked with his, smiling seductively up at him, 'Big hands,' she commented throatily, 'Like…like my father's,'

Something inside of him snapped. Married. He was…married. And he was…flirting. Was he flirting with another woman?

'I should go,' he mumbled, tugging his hand out of the residents grasp, 'I have…charts to do,'

'We could do them together Dr Shepherd,'

'Maybe we shouldn't…' he began.

'Your office. Nine thirty tonight,' she whispered huskily, 'I'll see you there Dr Shepherd,'

With that, she glided from the room, stopping only to blow him a kiss.

What the hell was he getting into?

* * *

'I've got nothing to be worried about right?' Meredith asked Jess at lunchtime that day. They were stolen minutes in the cafeteria in the lull that had been temporarily cast over the hospital, 'I mean…Derek and me. We're just…stuck. We need to actually sit down and…talk,' 

Meredith finished her statement with a firm nod of her head, almost as if she was trying to convince herself, and not Jess.

They were sitting a round plastic table, Jess's feet propped up on the table, Jess eating a salad, Meredith attempting to read a medical journal. She was unsuccessful though, as every few seconds she would slap down the paper and begin on the same topic.

'Yeah…' Jess replied unconvinced, popping an olive into her mouth, 'Of course. I mean…everyone goes through something like this at some stage. You just need to work through it,'

'Yeah…' Meredith said distantly.

She disappeared behind the journal, and they fell back into a deep silence.

Jess's head was cocked, a thoughtful frown on her face, whilst Meredith flicked through it's pages. Finally…

'You know, maybe Derek and I should go away for a weekend or something,'

With a rustle, the magazine was back on the table, and Meredith's fist balled on top of it.

'Maybe you know we should…go to Montana for a weekend and…escape it all or whatever. Just the two of us…log cabin…fireplace…bed,'

Meredith pursed her lips as Jess frowned, 'Oh ew…I didn't need that mental image!'

The attending wasn't listening, instead she was ploughing over the top, with her own rambling speech.

'Because, its good to get away sometimes. It would be good if we could get away, because it would…clear our heads and other…good…things. Right?'

She didn't wait for a reply before resuming, 'I should Google some good spots. Maybe we could go camping. But then there are the bugs and…the…what do you think about Las Vegas? Or maybe LA? We could sit by the beach together, Santa Monica or whatever…but Derek and me don't need it. Coz we're fine.'

Jess looked at her disbelievingly, and Meredith glared at her, 'Shut up. Derek and me _are _fine. We're good,'

Meredith only wished she believed that herself.

* * *

Derek stood at the entrance of the cafeteria watching the two women converse. 

'We are fine. Seriously!" Meredith was protesting fiercely.

'Sure, sure, whatever you say,' Jess replied, rather unconvincingly as she stood up. She gathered up her belongings, and then stopped.

Jess opened her mouth, as if she was going to say something and then stopped. She closed her mouth, indecisively, and then sighed.

'Look, I gotta go, see you tonight,'

'Yeah…bye,'

Jess stalked off, leaving Meredith sitting alone at her table. Derek looked down at the tray in his hands, and back at the recently vacated seat to Meredith's left. He had a choice to make now. He could go, sit with her, have lunch, and they could talk.

Or…he could go back up to his office, eat in silence, and begin paperwork.

Lunch with his wife, or lunch in solitude…

Derek looked back at Meredith who was barely touching her salad and he sighed.

Turning on his heel he hurried back into the building, stopping only by the nurses station to say, 'Page Dr Michelson, stat,'

* * *

Meredith stalked through the halls tiredly. She was meeting Jess in about twenty minutes, and she had yet to track down her husband. She had paged him a couple of times and he hadn't replied to any of them. She'd called him eight times and hadn't picked up, and now she was getting a little worried. 

It was the last straw, stopping by his office. His office was the size of a shoebox, not one of her favourite places in the world…anymore. When they first moved to New York, they used every chance they could to christen, consummate, make-the-most-of or whatever other excuse they could to have sex in this office. The desk, the floor, the rug, the couch.

She smiled at the sheer memory. They had been good days.

In a haze of memories, Meredith found herself at the door of her husband's office.

She raised a hand to push it open when she heard voices.

'Good evening Dr Shepherd,' a voice came. The voice was heavy with lust, which even Meredith could hear.

'Uh…Dr Michelson,' her husband replied awkwardly, 'You made it,'

Meredith bit her lip, feeling her blood boil at the sheer mention of the girl's name.

What the hell was she doing here?

'We have some…paperwork…to catch up on,' Mina laughed throatily.

And then she knew. She knew what was happening. She knew why Derek had been ignoring her, why Derek didn't care. She knew.

She felt as if the ground had been pulled out from underneath her, wrenching her stomach with it.

Meredith squeezed her eyes shut, trying to banish the images forming in her head.

She could see Mina advancing on her husband, placing a hand on his chest and…she couldn't bear to think…

Her heart wrenched painfully, surely this wasn't real.

This couldn't be happening to her. These things only happened on TV. These things weren't meant to happen. Not to Meredith and Derek!

Something snapped inside of her, and before she knew it, her hand was grasping the metal handle, cracking the door open slightly.

There was her husband, sitting on his desk, being pinned down by Mina who had her arms looped around Derek's neck.

Her lab coat was discarded on the floor, and Mina left only in revealing, red lingerie.

Mina's hair was scattered over Derek's shoulders, her lips glued to his. Her husband's lips. Meredith's. Not Mina's. Not…

Derek's eyes were closed, and his arms were reaching to wrap around her waist.

Mina looked up to see Meredith. She shook her hair out of her face, and gave her a smug smirk. And then she brought her leg up to Derek's shoulder, leaning in to kiss him again.

She'd seen enough. She didn't want to sit here and watch her husband cheat on her.

Silently, she closed to the door.

And then she stopped. This was…a lot to take in. Had that really happened?

Meredith wasn't sure what she thinking. Her mind was a crazy place at the moment, and her thoughts refused to filter.

Derek. Cheat. Mina.

She sealed her eyes shut, and could only see Mina, and her fake blonde hair, splayed over her husband's shoulders.

And then it hit her. There was only one thing to do.

So she ran.

_What makes her your every dream and fantasy?  
Because I can't remember when it was me_

* * *

_**A/N: Well…here we have it. After many re-reads of this chapters I've decided I don't like it. It's not...flowy enough. Nevetheless, don't give up on me. Have faith. (I'm not asking you to take a leap, because...we know what happened with Shonda's leap) I hope it didn't seem to out of the blue. I tried to build up the beginnings of Derek and Meredith falling apart, and the introduction of Mina. I hoped that would be a sort of lead up to this. Hope I didn't disappoint anyone! And anyway, this isn't the biggest part of the plot. I have a lot more planned, this was just the pivotal point to get Meredith to where I need her to be. Anyway...for those of you interested in seeing what Jessica, Mina and Kyle look like there are links to their photos in my profile. **_

_**Oh and a shameless plug; for any Harry Potter fans reading this story, I posted a new Harry Potter story called The World Spins Madly On. Post DH. Give it a go!**_

_**My god I've rambled and you're probably ready to close this window coz I'm boring you to death so... you guys know the drill, pretty purple button, pretty please!**_


	4. Cold As You

**A/N: I love you guys! Sorry if I wrecked anyone's day, it will get happier…soonish. Just hold on, because the next two chapters aren't exactly bright and shiny. **

Last chapter…

_Mina looked up to see Meredith. She shook her hair out of her face, and gave her a smug smirk. And then she brought her leg up to Derek's shoulder, leaning in to kiss him again._

_Meredith sealed her eyes shut, and could only see Mina, and her fake blonde hair, splayed over her husband's shoulders._

_And then it hit her. There was only one thing to do._

* * *

_I start a fight, cause I need to feel something but you do what you want because I'm not what you wanted... _

Meredith tore down the hallway, her shoes clacking against the linoleum as she sprinted. She needed to get away from that place.

She was numb. She should be in more pain. She should…

'Dr Shepherd?' a voice called out questioning, as she ran past the MRI room.

Meredith ignored the voice, and kept her head down, as she kept moving. She couldn't stop. Not now. She had to keep going other she would…

Thoughts swirled haphazardly through the chambers of her mind, and she couldn't quite get grasp a single one. Derek. Mina. Cheat. Lie….

She turned the corner quickly, and ran towards the tunnels. She needed…she needed…

Her feet slapped against the brick, as she swiftly moved through the shadowed halls. Exit…where…

Her shadow seemed to chase her, taunt her. Derek. Cheat. Mina. Lingerie. Lie.

Meredith grinded to a halt at the end of the hall. She was…she would be…she…

She inhaled deeply, trying to encourage one straight thought to form. Anything. She needed…a plan. She needed to form a plan. What was going to happen to them now? Could she pretend that didn't happen?

She leant into the brick wall, sighing deeply. Her head fell against it, and she didn't even bother wincing with pain.

Where did she go from here?

Home. That's where she had to go. To clear her head, to make things straight. Sort things out.

But what about Jess? She had Jess and Kyle to meet in fifteen minutes.

She sighed heavily, they would have to wait.

Straightening up, Meredith took one last deep breath, and marched forward. Home.

Meredith pulled up in the drive, marvelling at how unstable her life had become in mere seconds. How had she gone from safe, married life, to crazy, adulterous life? How did it work like that?

She scrambled up the front stairs, fumbling with the key, scraping against the lock. Her movements were jerky and erratic and her heart was fluttering wildly. Derek. Cheat. Mina. Lie.

The door opened with a click, and banged loudly against the wall. Silence.

She bravely stepped into the hall, hanging up her coat, and kicking off her shoes. Why didn't everything look different? Her world had just been turned on it's axis and yet the world seemed to go on like normal.

She scuttled up the inside stairs, reaching their bedroom. Meredith dropped to her knees in front of her bedside drawer. With shaking hands, she opened it to reveal the manila folder she knew had been there for a long time. Slowly, she cracked open the folder. She snapped her eyes shut. She didn't want to see this. It was too hard. Too real.

She closed it silently, tucking it in her purse.

Rationality was what she needed right now. She needed to think.

Meredith sunk down onto her side of the bed. She _could _stay. She could pretend she never saw it. But…she would have to live with Mina's smug grin, and with the knowledge that her husband was probably going to have sex with another woman that night. She would be…weak. And the Grey in Meredith refused to do that.

That left her one option.

Leave.

* * *

Jess sat at bar stool, in a bar, streets away. She was absently clicking her heels against the metal, chewing at her lip. Her boss's behaviour had worried her lately. She was sick, she didn't need the stress of fighting for Derek put on her as well.

Jess used to see the Shepherd's as the image of perfection. The proof that you could still have passion and fire in marriage. They were what Jess had strived for when she married Kyle. She wanted to be like them.

If the Shepherd's fell through, Jess wouldn't know what to believe anymore. Could happily ever after exist? If Meredith and Derek didn't survive, then who had a chance?

Suddenly the bell above the door tinkled as it swung open to reveal Meredith. She was wearing a thick, long white trench coat, a cashmere beret covering her hair. Her mouth was turned down, her eyes worried. Creases had been etched in her forehead as she frowned, deeply in thought. Her body was soaked head to toe with the torrential rain that had begun just minutes ago.

'Meredith,' Jess sighed in relief, 'Hey,'

Meredith let out a ragged breath, 'Hey Jess,'

Jess jumped to her feet, as her boss wandered up to her, 'You okay?'

'Yeah…I'm good,' Meredith replied, cocking her head. She flashed Jess a sad smile, 'You?'

'Yeah…' Jess said slowly, 'Kyle will be here in a minute,'

'Oh good,'

Meredith bit her lip furiously, 'Look…Jess…something…something came up, I have to go,' she said apologetically, 'I'm so sorry, but I can't stay,'

'Well, that's okay,' Jess whispered.

'I just,' Meredith inhaled deeply, as if she was preparing herself for something hard, 'I need to give you something,'

She dug deep into the black purse on her shoulder, before emerging with a plain envelope. Jess and Kyle's names were printed neatly on the front.

Meredith pressed it into Jess's palm, 'Wait til Kyle gets here to read it okay?'

'Sure,'

Meredith zipped up her bag, and began to walk away with a slight wave of her hand.

'See you tomorrow?' Jess queried quietly.

Her boss turned, and Jess could see an unreadable expression. Was it fear? Or uncertainty? Maybe even vulnerability?

'Maybe,' Meredith laughed sadly.

There's was something about the way she said that, that made Jess feel a sense of finality. Why?

Meredith had begun to move again, 'Wait!'

Jess scurried forward, and pulled the smaller woman into a hug. Meredith's body sagged into her old intern's, and accepted the embrace wearily.

Jess squeezed her tightly, 'Stay safe tonight, okay? And don't do anything rash. D-drive safely, and…I'll see you tomorrow,' she assured.

She released Meredith who nodded, pawing at her eyes, 'Yeah,' Meredith replied bravely, 'Maybe I will,'

And with that, she walked away, the faint scent of lavender lingering in her presence.

Jess took her seat back at the bar, and it was only then she noticed, that the neck of her red sweater was stained with tears.

* * *

Meredith had arrived at home, tears falling from her eyes furiously, as hard and fast as the rain outside. Seeing Jess broke the wall of emotion that Meredith had built since finding Mina. Tears, pain, anguish, and sheer misery poured from her in waves, and Meredith was left to just ride them out.

Now, Meredith was empty. She couldn't cry anymore, there were no more tears left to cry. So, she was left, in the middle of her bedroom, surrounded by the past few years of her life. The not-so-important clothes were piled on the floor at her feet. The summer clothes that she could always re-purchase were strewn over the back of the armchair. Photos lay face down on the bed. She couldn't see them. And finally, there was Meredith, sitting cross legged amidst the mess, with her laptop perched on her lap.

If she was running away, she needed an escape route. She couldn't guarantee that a plane would leave in time, for Derek not to find her.

She logged onto the American Airlines site, looking for flight times to Boston. Boston was home once. She could handle going there again. She was anonymous, no one knew her, no one would find her.

There wasn't one until six o'clock tomorrow morning.

'Not good enough!' she cried. Derek would have a chance to stop her. Would he? If he knew, would he even bother stopping her?

She switched the settings to LA. There were good hospitals there. And Derek would never think of looking for her in there.

No…she didn't want to move to LA. She wanted to go somewhere safe. Somewhere that she knew.

She looked out the window, with a faraway expression on her face. The rain pelted at the roof, gliding down the glass pane of her window. Rain. Somewhere she felt safe. Rain. Somewhere she knew. Rain…

Seattle.

Within a few clicks, she was directed to Seattle flight times. Her heart leapt. There was a flight in an hour and a half.

That was it then. After all these years, she was going back to Seattle. She was going home.

* * *

Derek pulled up at his house warily. He heard from the nurses that Meredith had been paging him all night. She was probably really pissed he had ignored her. His mind was spinning. Mina. And the lingerie and the kiss. That wasn't quite right.

He unlocked the front door, pushing back his sopping hair from his face. Meredith. Where was Meredith?

He would have hell to pay when he found her.

Derek cautiously walked into through the hall. No signs of an unhappy Mrs Shepherd. Yet.

Her coat was hanging up, and that adorable hat that she bought at some ridiculously expensive store. They were both dripping slightly with rain. That meant she had only come home recently.

'I mean…can that be done…legally?,' he heard his young wife's voice float through the house lightly, 'Well…if you're so certain…I guess…yeah, ok, that works out well,'

He wandered into the kitchen to see his wife, her hip propped up against the kitchen bench, talking on the phone.

She spotted him, and gave him a wide smile, 'I should go. Thankyou, for all your help,'

With that, she hung up, placing the phone on the bench.

'Hi Derek,' she greeted sweetly.

'Hey,' he sighed, silently thanking whoever was on his side up there, 'Hey Mer,'

He leaned forward to kiss her, but she turned her head, so he barely grazed her cheek.

Derek pulled back, a little stung by that move. Maybe it was an accident.

Meredith side-stepped his hug, and moved into the dining room, fiddling with a empty plate on the table. A dog-eared novel sat beside it, open on the spot she was obviously up to.

'So…' Meredith said quietly, moving back into the kitchen, 'how was work today?'

Derek swung himself onto a stool at the bench, so he watched her cleaning the remainder of crumbs off the plate.

'Oh yeah…good…busy,'

'I heard you had a hemispherectomy,' Meredith offered, 'With Mina Michelson,'

'Oh,' Derek said awkwardly, suddenly feeling an odd flush rise up his neck, 'Her…dumb as a…brick girl,'

He loosed at his tie, fanning his face with his hands, 'What about your day?' he smoothly changed the subject.

'Would you like a sandwhich?' Meredith ignored his question.

'Yeah, ok,'

She darted about the kitchen, and Derek frowned. Was something wrong with her after all?

Meredith placed a plate in front of him, 'Peanut butter,' she said monotonously.

'Thanks,'

She turned away from him, and rooted through her purse which was sitting by the stove.

'So…I've been thinking,' she began nervously.

'Oh yeah, about what?' Derek asked earnestly, straightening up in her seat.

'About…us,' Meredith vaguely replied.

'O-oh…' he faltered.

'And I was thinking that maybe we should…just…'

She paced back and forth in front of him, fiddling with the worn edges of the item in her hand.

Meredith stopped, sighing heavily, 'Ok, I didn't want to do it this way…but I'm to much of a coward,'

She slapped down a manila folder in front of him, 'There. Now you know how I feel,'

Derek raised his hands, to settle on the marble bench. The gold of his ring glinted up at him, and a guilty feeling swept through him.

Slowly, he opened the folder. A stack of neatly sorted, white pages lay underneath. Meredith's signature was scrawled at the bottom of the first page, and there was a vacant space beside it.

They were…no…they…

His brain couldn't wrap around it. This wasn't meant to happen. Not to him. Not again.

Not with Meredith.

Was his heart still beating? It felt like his heart had stopped moving inside his chest at all. Was he still breathing? Could he breathe? Was this room quiet?

He looked up, sheer terror coursing through his veins. He met his wife's grey eyes, unreadable, and hard. Something that wasn't her…

'Mer…'

She shook her head, pressing her mouth in a firm line.

He needed to say it, because otherwise it wasn't real.

'Divorce papers?'

_Oh what a shame, what a rainy ending given to a perfect day _

* * *

_**A/N: Me again…I'm kind of nervous about everyone's reaction to this chapter…but I've been sitting on it, for about four weeks and I'm still not 100 happy with it. Yes, I'm a perfectionist. At least when it comes to my writing…it has to be perfect before anyone else reads it…and yet I still manage to find 2 million mistakes in it.**_

* * *


	5. Cold Day In July

* * *

_The moon is full and my arms are empty. All night long I've pleaded and cried_

_You always said the day that you would leave me  
Would be a cold day in July…_

'Divorce papers?'

He felt as if he had been hurtled backwards, leaving his stomach ages away.

The words hung heavily in the air between them. Those three syllables sounded twisted, distorted to his own ears, falling from his lips like something…something wrong.

Husband and wife studied one another, eyes locked firmly. His gaze strong, unwavering, filled with questions, with the flickering of the fear of the unknown. Hers, deep grey pools, swimming with a strange sense of…acceptance, of resignation.

'Divorce papers,' she repeated grimly.

'But…'

His head was swimming. He couldn't wrap his fuzzy mind around the new concept. He grappled with the loose thoughts, dancing just out of his reach. Divorce. End. Gone…loveless.

That didn't fit. It wasn't right. Not right. Not now.

'Why?'

That was all he could manage, one, strangled word, that came out as a forlorn cry.

Meredith let out a ragged breath, 'Because Derek. It's time,' she replied, her voice weary.

He couldn't reply to that. What do you say in a situation like that? How do you…

For the first time in weeks…months, he looked at his wife. Actually _looked _at his wife.

Her slender frame was gaunt, her eyes hollow. She looked exhausted and different…devoid of life. His eyes instinctively flickered down to her left hand, and a rush of relief shot through him, at the familiar glittering diamonds.

He still had hope. She hadn't completely let go yet.

'We can't,' he said softly, 'We're…'

He couldn't think of an excuse. Why couldn't he think of an excuse? Why…but…

She was still his though. For now. And he needed to prove it.

He grabbed for her hand, wanting to feel her, solid, real, here, and know that she wasn't leaving him.

But her small hand fell away from his, snatching at the strap of her purse violently. Derek's hand landed with a heavy thud on the granite bench.

'M-Mer?' he asked weakly.

'No,' she said, breathing in deeply, 'It's…' she inhaled again, 'What's right,'

With that, she swung her bag onto her shoulder, and took a step towards the kitchen door.

The sheer reality of her movements hit Derek like a punch in the stomach.

He darted in front of his wife, trying to block her from advancing any further. He only succeeded in cornering her into the dining room. He was on one side of the table, she was on the other. He was blocking her way out the door. She wasn't leaving him.

* * *

_It was like a sick game of cat and mouse_, she mused, watching her husband blocking her door.

Didn't he understand? It wasn't meant to be this hard! She was meant to confront him, give him the divorce papers and walk away quietly. That was supposed to be it.

In her plans, there had been no talking, no emotions. It had been rip the bandaid off, leave him in a state in which he constantly put her.

Why was it becoming so complicated? She just wanted to leave.

She glanced down at the table, her eyes catching on the divorce papers. She had considered. And once, just once, she had seriously doubted herself. She had gotten those papers, months ago, in one of Derek's long shifts. But then he came home, and before she knew it, the papers were in her bottom drawer, forever hidden from view…until now.

'Why!' he bellowed, thumping his hands down on the wooden table, startling her from her thoughts, 'Why?'

'Derek,' she sighed, clutching her purse tighter to her, as if seeking comfort. She was tired. She didn't have anything left in her to fight.

'No!' her husband protested, 'If you think you're leaving me, I at least deserve to know why! This is my life too,'

'I'm leaving,' Meredith began tersely, 'Because I have to,'

She knew that she would spend hours mulling over this. Analysing every single world. Her final conversation with her husband. Shouldn't there be something…poetic about this?

However, there was no grace in this scene. Derek's eyes wild and stormy, the divorce papers scattered between them on the table, his wife trapped in a corner of her own home. This wasn't a romantic tragedy. This was…

Real.

This was real. It was actually happening to her.

'No,' Derek muttered, through ground teeth, 'You see, it doesn't work like that…you don't just get to say that. You can't divorce your husband because you _have _to. Meredith I want a real fucking reason!'

Meredith stopped, her eyes widening.

'Are you serious?' she cried, stepping to the side, looking for a gap in his barricade, 'Are you seriously asking me why I want a divorce?'

'Yes Meredith! I deserve to know why you have suddenly come over with the idea that you can up and leave overnight, with no explanation, with no reason. I deserve to know why you seem to think that it's okay for you to abandon years of marriage because…because you felt like it! If you seriously think that's okay then you are fucking brainless,'

It stung to hear those words, lashed out at her, and Meredith bit her lip, 'You _deserve _a reason Derek? You _deserve? _God Derek, you don't deserve anything from **anybody **at the moment. You want a reason? Here it is. I think you're a cheating, lying ass, who doesn't give a shit about me,'

Derek froze, his mind obviously thinking over her words, 'That's bullshit!' he yelled finally, 'I wouldn't have married you if I didn't give a shit about you. But apparently marriage doesn't mean a damn thing to you,'

Meredith shook her head incredulously, 'Marriage doesn't mean anything to _me? _This is coming from a man who has successfully ruined both of his marriages,'

It hurt. It hurt to say it, it hurt to think it, but Meredith needed to tell him exactly how she felt. The words were tumbling from her lips, spewing out into the open, with a raw honesty that cut the tense air like a knife.

'This is coming from a man, who hasn't come home to dinner for eight weeks. Who, if he comes home, comes home at eleven o'clock at night at the latest,'

'I'm busy!' he cried defensively, 'I have a job you know!'

'Guess what Derek? So do I! And yet…I'm still home every night, sleeping in my cold bed without my husband,'

Derek fell into silence, and then shook his head, 'So? A cold bed is what's making you leave?'

Meredith couldn't believe this. It wasn't meant to be like this. Why was he questioning her? Did she have to relive every single painful moment of the past few years to him? Would that redeem her in his mind?

'No Derek. It's not the cold bed, it's not the lonely meals, it's you. Or the lack thereof. You don't care about me anymore. I have given you, _everything _I had to give. There is nothing left for to give to this marriage, to you…hell, I haven't even got enough to give to me. You don't pay attention anymore!'

Derek looked at her as if daring her to continue.

'Did you know I've been sick Derek? I've been sick these past two weeks, I can't shake it, I've been throwing up every morning. Have you seen that Derek?'

He shook his head slowly, 'I'm sorry…'

She let out a delirious laugh, 'To late for that Derek,' she cried, pacing her corner, 'You…you think I wanted to end it like this? You think I wanted it to end at all?'

She laughed sadly again, 'I just…I…'

Meredith's voice dipped into silence that fell between them. Derek's eyes were searching for hers wildly, whilst she kept her gaze downcast. She couldn't look him in the eye. If she did, he would see the tears that were slowly building up with realization. This was…it. The end. It couldn't be real.

'I hope you find what you want with Mina, Derek,' she whispered.

The silence shattered, falling away from them like sharp shards of glass. For the first time, she looked up to meet Derek's eyes, and for the first time let him see the pain.

* * *

Derek was staggered. The agony in his wife's eyes, as she looked at him. Her grey eyes sparkled with tears, as she whispered her last broken sentence.

'I hope you find what you want with Mina, Derek,'

She knew.

How…but…how did she…

'Meredith…' he breathed, stepping forward, 'It…how…it was…but,'

He was aware of every sound in that room. The sound of her ragged breathing, the rise and fall of each breath. He was aware of the twisting leather in her hand, the keys jangling in the other, her access to the outside world…without him.

'How did you…' he began. But why did that matter now? She was leaving him because of it; she was leaving him for good. Did it really matter how she found out?

His mind was reeling with thoughts, that he barely noticed Meredith pushing past him.

'No!' he cried, catching her arm, 'No!'

Meredith was whipped back to face him, and he met her eyes again, 'Meredith, I'm…you…you don't have to leave,'

'Yes I do!' she cried, 'I…I don't exist anymore Derek. I'm just _Derek's wife. _I'm not Meredith anymore. I need…I need to be me again Derek. I need to leave,'

'Please…' he begged, 'Please don't go,'

'You need…you need to go back to Mina. You just need to stop. With me. I need to go somewhere away…from you,'

'Please don't go,'

'Maybe…' her breath hitched, 'Maybe this was it. Maybe the wife…and the walking away and everything were signs…maybe we were never meant to have the happily ever after,'

'Just…give me a second chance,'

Meredith seemed to be on a tangent now. Unstoppable. She ignored him, and began to shake her head, 'No…Derek, this is it. I've…I've made up my mind, and…you can't change it for me,'

'You can't leave!' he begged, 'Please,'

'I can Derek,' she replied, sadly, 'I can, and I am…'

She made another step towards the door, Derek's grasp still firmly holding her in place.

'Please! Let me go Derek!' she sobbed, 'Please just…just let me go! I wanna go,'

A single tear fell splashing onto her pale cheek. That was enough to send her over the edge.

Sobs racked her tiny frame, 'Let me go!' she screamed, 'LET ME GO!'

Her small fists began to smack at his chest, hammering against him with unexpected fury. He struggled with her writing body, desperately pulling on her own arm, just wanting a way to end it all.

Derek took it silently. He needed to let her do this. The pain, the tears…everything, it was so real.

Slowly, her sharp blows subsided, to weaker, exhausted falls. Her body sagged into his, with heavy sobs shaking her body.

'I just want to go…' she cried into his shirt, 'I just want to be me again,'

Derek was overcome with a wave of emotion that he couldn't explain. Guilt? Sadness? Both?

'I just…'

Her sobs slowed eventually too, fading into gentle cries. Derek just stood there, holding her to his chest, praying to whoever would listen, that he wouldn't lose her. Not today, not now. Not ever.

He stroked her soft hair, letting it glide through his fingers, whispering things softly.

'I'm so sorry. I'm so, so sorry,'

And then it happened, all within a matter of seconds. It was so fast he didn't think.

One of Meredith's hands joined with his, something falling into his palm. She pulled her hand away, curling his fingers back into a protective fist. Her other hand went to his chest, pushing him away from her.

There was something in his eyes that told him exactly what she was about to say.

'I'm sorry Derek,' she whispered, 'I…I have to do this, for me,'

With that, she stepped away from him, brushing her hand against his arm.

'Goodbye Derek,'

And then, she walked out the front door, slamming the heavy door behind her.

Derek stood stock still, his heart breaking with every rev of her car. The sound of the motor roaring into life, killed him, and he could almost see her, pulling out. The noise began to fade out, as she drove further and further away from him.

He opened his fisted hand slowly. Meredith had placed these in his trust. And for a reason.

Looking back up at him was two gold rings, which had just resided on her finger, now in his palm.

And it was then Derek knew. Meredith Grey was gone and she was never coming back.

And it was then he let himself cry.

_Head in my hands  
Here I am  
Standing in my bare feet  
Watching you drive away_

_-Dixie Chicks_

* * *

**So...I hope you guys like it. I'm a tiny bit worried about it. But we'll see how it goes. I'll try and post again soonish, but another 'we'll see how it goes'. So, tell how much you did or didn't like...please?**


	6. The Pieces Don't Fit Anymore

_**A/N: Seriously? A whole week since I've updated? That's pathetic. I hope you guys are still sticking with me!**_

_Watching us fading, and watching us all fall apart_

_Well I can't explain, why it's not enough, when I gave it all to you_

_What have I done? What have I done?_

The rubber soles of his shoes squeaked, as he paced, back and forth, back and forth. How could she have gone? How could he have not noticed her drifting away? Life without Meredith didn't make sense. When Meredith wasn't there…he didn't know how to exist.

Derek stopped, running his hands through his hair. He needed to stop. To think. He needed to straighten his thoughts just long enough.

Where would she go? Surely she couldn't go that far, she had work tomorrow!

That was it. He would call Jonathon; he would know where Meredith was going!

Suddenly, he felt a lot better. He jumped up, grabbing his cell phone off the bench.

'Jonathon!' he cried, as his boss picked up.

'Shepherd…' the man replied apprehensively, 'Is everything ok?'

'NO! I mean…yes, no. No, it's not. Its not okay,'

Jonathon sounded concerned then, 'Is everything working out okay at home?'

'Meredith…has she contacted you?' Derek panted, getting more and more excited as they went. He almost knew where his wife was.

'Yes…' Jonathon replied slowly, 'Why?'

'I…need to know where she is,' Derek begged, ' This is so important!'

He could almost here Jonathon frowning. Derek could strangle him. Didn't he understand how important this was? Didn't he understand that Meredith was speeding across the country, and the longer he took, the harder it would be for Derek to catch up?

'She's…'

'Where has she transferred to Jonathon?' he cried, 'Please, I need to know,'

There was silence, in which Jonathon inhaled deeply, 'She hasn't transferred Derek,'

Derek let out a sigh of relief. This _was _temporary. He'd see her tomorrow. They'd be okay. But Jonathon wasn't done yet…

'She's… resigned,'

Every little ounce of hope that had built up within him had vanished, as if someone had taken a pin to his balloon.

Dead end. No traces.

'I'm sorry Derek,' he muttered, 'I didn't realize…'

'God…' Derek groaned. He couldn't cry, not now, not with his boss on the phone. He dragged a hand over his face, 'Um…ok then, well…uh…'

His throat began to constrict. He didn't know. He was out of ideas. She was gone.

'Thankyou for…uh…you're…time,'

Before Jonathon could respond, Derek had slammed the phone back into the cradle. It rattled, noisily, before the house fell back into stony silence.

He couldn't comprehend this. Lives couldn't just start over, in mere hours. There should be loose ends they had to tie up. Bank accounts, real estate.

Derek tried desperately, to find a little hope in that information, but he didn't succeed. He knew his wife, better than anyone else in the world. She was stubborn. If she didn't want to be there, she wouldn't.

But how did she do that? How did Meredith just pick up, and flit off into the night, leaving no traces behind.

How had he let them get this bad? How had he let himself fall away from Meredith? How the hell had he missed it? How didn't he notice Meredith slipping out of his grasp? Why didn't he live and learn from his mistakes? He never should have gone this far. Mina. He still couldn't grasp that. He had cheated on Meredith. Physically cheating. Cheating was a quality he had always despised in men. He had been disgusted with Addison when he had caught her, and spent months, wondering what he did to provoke it. He had been destroyed by that and in some ways, he never fully recovered. And when Addison came back, he never let her forget what she did. And yet, he had just done it himself.

He felt disgusted with himself. He was a horrible person. He had broken her time and time again. He deserved what he got.

But he had never thought that they would wind up here. They were…Meredith and Derek. Soul mates! People like them…they didn't get divorced! They had kids, and picket fences and dogs. They had happily ever afters! So why the hell was there a stack of papers lying on his kitchen table?

He buried his head in his hands. He loved her. More than words. He loved her so much, and he was certain life couldn't go on without her.

He had to let her know.

Jumping off his couch, he grabbed his phone again, punching in her number. He just prayed she would hear what he had to say.

_What have I done? What have I done?_

'Thankyou for tuning tonight everybody. It's raining cats and dogs out there. If you can, stay inside, and if you're on the road, drive safe!' the cheesy radio announcer informed her, through the tinny transition in her car.

Meredith groaned, switching it off letting the ringing silence fall upon her car. All she could hear was the wheels as the rolled over the asphalt and the squeaking drag of the windscreen wipers. Wind spiralled over her hood, rain splattering against the windscreen. Her eyes were fixed on the dark, slippery road, watching the glowing white lines slip by her eyes. Thank god she was almost at JFK.

The lights of New York flashed before her, as she drew closer to the airport. Her mind was buzzing, and yet pathetically empty. She couldn't grasp a proper thought. She was numb.

It didn't seem real. Had she seriously just left her husband? And gotten in her car?

She glanced behind her, to see her suitcase on the backseat and her stomach twisted.

Yep. She had.

Would she ever see Derek again? In passing, in the street, at a conference? Was Derek looking for her? Would he pursue her? Or would he pursue Mina now? Was it likely that she would run into him, and find him married to the very girl?

She felt sick. Sick to the stomach at the thought of Mina Williamson. She supposed, in true honesty, the little…whore wasn't to blame for this. She was just the catalyst. She was the reactor that set of the bomb that had been a long time coming. She was what pushed them to the edge.

But that didn't change Meredith's feelings about her. She _hated _her. Because, now, when she tried to close her eyes, she could only see Mina, leaning in to kiss her husband once more. Because now, Meredith had no idea, where she would be sleeping tomorrow night.

If it hadn't have been for Mina, then maybe Meredith would be curling up into bed with her husband, warm, dry and safe. She would be stable.

Instead, Meredith was speeding along the highway, her life dangerously unstable, praying to god that there would be a job for her, a house for her, and a welcoming pair of arms when she got to Seattle.

It stung, somewhere deep, that she wasn't sure she had been aware of before, when she thought of Mina. But how long had it been going on for? Was this just the first time Meredith had walked in, or was this the reason for his absence for so long?

It didn't make sense. She had always thought, that her and Derek were in love, that they were unbreakable. Cheating was something that happened to…other people. It had come up on her completely out of the blue, striking her flat. She was hurt. And she knew, that when it truly sunk in, it would hurt, so much more. But right now, all she knew was that Derek had Mina, and she, the victim was alone. It didn't seem fair.

Meredith knew what she wanted, but it sounded so childish, so juvenile. She wanted a hug. She wanted someone to hold her close, and tell her that everything would be ok, and that she hadn't thrown away the past five years of her life for nothing.

But she was still in the city; she had never called home, heading towards the airport, desperate to escape.

In true honesty, she wasn't sure what she was doing. In fact, her mind lost all structure the second she opened Derek's office door. This was fight or flight. And she had given up.

Meredith was running away once again.

'Meredith, babe, please, call me back,' Derek begged.

He snapped his cell phone shut once again, even more worried, than he was when he began. Of course, he hadn't expected Meredith to be thrilled to hear from him, but he had hoped that she would at least pick up. But there was nothing.

He wasn't giving up yet. He pressed one on his speed dial, and waited for the dial tone to start again.

_You've reached the voicemail of Meredith Shepherd. I'm obviously driving or in surgery, so leave a message after the beep. I'll get back to you as soon as I can…__**BEEP**_

Derek groaned, 'Meredith. Please. Baby. I'm worried about you. I need to talk to you. Where are you going? I…I love you,'

The words felt strange, unfamiliar to him, as they slipped over his lips of their own will. They felt unused, like they didn't fit quite inside his mouth.

Had it really been that long since he said that to Meredith? Had he really neglected her that bad?

He sighed, as he hung up one last time. He had screwed up. Worse than he thought. It wasn't just the cheating. It was this…them.

But he had just got so caught up in the race to be Chief, in the possibility of a promotion. He had wanted it so much, that he had forgotten, his other greatest desire. She had slowly slipped away from him, and into the shadows behind him, until, he no longer knew who she was.

Looking around the house, that rung true. The cushions on the sofa, which he never remembered purchasing. The pizza in the fridge that he wasn't sure he ordered. The books scattered on her shelf. How long ago did she read these?

He was going to call it a night. Meredith obviously wasn't going to talk to him tonight.

He wandered up the stairs, questioning his sanity. Would he even get any sleep tonight? His mind was so full, and ever fibre of his being was with Meredith. He probably wouldn't rest.

He settled into their bed, on the right side, her side, still perfectly made. It was like; she had merely stepped out of her life. Like she would return any moment now.

He tossed, and turned, unable to get comfortable. His arms felt empty, his chest icy without her. It didn't smell right, it didn't feel right.

He grabbed out, pulling her pillow close to him. He slung his arm over it, like he would his wife, burying his face into it.

It smelt like her. It felt right, because, this was all he had that he could hold. The real Meredith had left him, heart broken and lonely. What the hell had he done? He had done this to them. It was his fault.

A fitful rest, slipped over him slowly, and he clung onto her pillow tight, praying that his wife would be returned safely to him.

_Maybe I should have fought harder._

She may have physically been there, squashed into a plane seat, beside a stodgy businessman, 4000 feet in the air, but her mind was miles and miles away. She was beginning to doubt her choice. Maybe if she had have stayed, she and Derek would be ok. Maybe they…they could have worked through this!

But she had made her bed, and she was going to sleep in it. There was only forward now.

Yet that didn't stop her from doubting and second-guessing herself. She felt sick. She felt tired. But she knew, no relief was going to come from tonight. She had a long way yet.

Slowly, her eyes slipped shut, and she just hoped, that when she'd wake up, it would all be a horrible dream.

'Fasten your seatbelts ladies and gentlemen, we're about to land,' a cool voice announced.

Meredith's eyes flickered open. People around her were preparing for descent. Her stomach knotted. It wasn't a dream. She was really here, really about to land. This was it.

She was looking forward. She was starting again.

The plane began to dip, heading towards the ground, and Meredith's heart flipped nervously.

This really was it. A new life, a new her. It was all new. Maybe this would hold a new love, a better Derek.

As the plane pulled into the runway, Meredith couldn't control her shaking hands. She could move on. This is what she wanted.

And so, as she stepped out into the morning, Seattle light, she smiled, breathing deeply. Goodbye Derek, New York, and everything it represented. Hello Seattle, Cristina, and surgery.

She stepped forward and into the drizzling rain with a smile on her face. She could do this, she was starting again.

_The pieces don't fit here anymore…_

_-James Morrison_

_**A/N: Ok I know it's a fillery chapter, and probably very unsatisfying after an entire. But trust me, the next chapter is planned out, and I am really excited about posting it…but…you can call me lazy…. Or avoiding. I spent my weekend, procrastinating. I read New Moon twice, before Eclipse comes out. Then I read Twilight again. Hell, I even read the end of Harry Potter again. Why? Because I didn't want to write this chapter. To give me credit, I tried to, but every time, I stopped, and went back to something else. It was difficult to right, because, they were alone. There was no dialogue. Do you know how hard it is to write 2000 odd words, without a single line of dialogue? Aaarggghhhh… It felt, no matter what angle I took, it didn't come out right. I knew how I wanted Meredith to feel but it felt to hazy when I tried to write it. And then I tried Derek. And he seemed to indifferent. I'm still not happy with it.**_

_**And then…once that was over with, and I'd gotten on the right track, alerts were down. And where's the fun in posting a chapter when nobody reads it? Either way, don't go to hard on this chapter. Once I get over the flu, I'll be (hopefully) thinking straight. Now I've done a LOT of talking, and should probably shut up now. Hopefully, updates will come soon, but currently, I in the middle of assessment block. So, I can't be sure how much time I will get to update. I'll try though. So…please, please, PLEASE review, and I'll love you forever!**_


	7. Losing My Grip

* * *

* * *

Meredith welcomed the snug warmth that the taxi provided, as she slid in. She was really here… Seattle. She had left her husband, and flown across the country in the dark of the night. And now she was here. And she finally had a chance to move forward.

'Where to miss?' the taxi driver asked, as the door shut behind her.

Meredith frowned. Where did she want to go?

Cristina. She really wanted to see Cristina. But what about Izzie? She could go back to her old house, and then she'd have somewhere to stay…

But…Cristina wouldn't get it. She had stability. She would tell her to get over McAss, there were plenty more fish in the sea. It was easy for her to say. Izzie would be all optimistic and helpful, telling her that everything would work out fine, and that they were just a 'little' complicated right now. She wasn't sure she could handle that…

What Meredith really wanted was someone who knew…someone who understand. Someone who would sympathise, but know when to back off. They'd know because they'd have been there before.

And she had just the person.

There was an address, buried deep on her phone, in the parts of her phone book that she never touched. It had been given to her on her last day in Seattle, and she had sworn that hell would freeze over before she used it.

Circumstances had changed. Derek cheated on Meredith, hell froze over, same difference in Meredith's eyes. The world was different now.

It was time to pull out that number.

Meredith's fingers slipped over the keys of her phone, wondering, praying, that it was the right thing to do. She instructed the cab driver, to the address given to her. She wasn't sure if the couple had moved in her five-year absence, but she was willing to give them a try.

As the car sped through the streets of Seattle, Meredith began to wonder whether the pressure in the plane had caused a seizure or something. She was surely going insane. First, separating from Derek, and then running straight into the arms of…her?

Of all the people in Seattle she could have chosen, and she chose them. It was ridiculous.

The taxi pulled up, in front of a stylish, red brick home. Clipped, manicured lawns stretched out behind the pavement, a neat, curving path leading up to the front door. Two, identical black Porches were parked on the drive, both sparkling, despite the miserable weather. There truly was no doubting who lived here.

Meredith handed over her money, before sliding out of the cab and onto the pavement. They had to be home at least…

Upon close inspection a large, arching window at the front of the house, revealed the inside of their living room. Expensive, brown leather couches, polished wooden floors and cream shagpile rugs. The coffee table had a matching brown coffee mug, meticulously placed on the edge.

Slowly, Meredith raised her hand to rap smartly on the wood of the front door. What would they say when they opened the door to see her? Would they mind her intruding like this?

It seemed she didn't have to worry about this. Nobody answered her. Nobody stirred within the house.

Meredith sighed, wondering what she was supposed to do now. She hadn't really formed a back up plan just in case they were at work.

She glanced at her watch. She was so stupid! It was ten o'clock in the morning. Of course they were at work. But…how did she explain the cars?

Suddenly, she heard thumps coming from inside, and two people yelling. Meredith frowned, knocking a little harder, hopeful that they would hear her.

'Coming, coming, coming!' a male voice called, laughter tinging the edges, 'Hang on,'

And then the door was swung open only to reveal Mark Sloan himself, standing there, laughter still etched upon his rugged face.

'Hey Mer,' he opened the door a little wider, 'You know, when I said, come by whenever you're in Seattle, I sorta meant on a day when I was working, and when I wasn't having sex,'

Mark grinned at her, and then peered, almost anxiously over her shoulder, 'So…uh…where's that good husband of yours?' he asked, as if expecting Derek to jump out from the bushes suddenly. When no such thing happened, Mark laughed, 'Old bastard, probably hiding from me, wanting to send me into early cardiac failure,'

Mark laughed loudly as the sound of bare feet padding against carpet reached Meredith's ears.

'Babe, who was it?'

Addison Montgomery Sloan was walking down the stairs, towards the front of the house, buttoning up a blue dress shirt of her husbands. Her long legs seemed to go on forever and her red hair tousled.

Addison's gaze swung around to see Meredith, and her hazel eyes widened.

'Uh…hi?' she offered weakly, wildly tugging the shirt she wore, closer to her knees.

'I was just waiting for old Derek to try and 'be funny' again,' Mark laughed, 'The old geezer is keeping us waiting,'

Addison flashed her husband a brief smile, that didn't quite reach her eyes. She inched closer, and her eyes narrowed, as if she was analysing Meredith.

Mark continued to babble on, blissfully unaware of the two women, staring at one another.

Addison's eyes were filled with confusion, as if she could read Meredith like a book, but the plot just wasn't making sense. They took in Meredith's appearance, sweeping up from her sneaker clad feet to the top of her

'You're not ok,' Addison said abruptly, cutting over her husband chatter.

Mark fell silent, his face morphing into a mask of concern.

Meredith shrugged helplessly. She couldn't exactly say everything was perfect.

Addison frowned and then finally said, 'Derek's not going to show up, is he?'

* * *

'What did you do?' came a loud voice, as Derek walked into the hospital the next morning. He was so tired, he hadn't slept a whole hour last night. He had never realized how much he depended on Meredith to get sleep, until she wasn't there for him to hold.

He lifted his drooping eyes slightly, to see a young woman marching towards him with a forceful march.

'What the hell have you done!' the woman cried angrily, as she neared him.

'Good morning Dr Leyton,' he sighed.

'Good morning? GOOD MORNING!' Jess bellowed, 'For who? Lying adulterous bastards?'

Derek winced as the nurses around them stopped work. Interns froze, suddenly interested, and even patients families seemed to be listening in.

'Because, it sure as hell isn't such a good morning for your wife, who is alone!'

He dropped his head again. He deserved this. It was his fault. He deserved to be torn to shreds after what he did.

'What the hell did you do to her!'

He felt two fists wrap around his scrubs, shaking his violently, 'You drove her out! You pushed her to the edge! I watched her, crumble, piece by piece, you selfish bastard,' Jess accused, 'And now look what you've done!'

'Jess, Jess, Jess!' he heard Kyle call out, running to Derek's aid, 'Meredith knew what she was doing. She wouldn't want you creating a scene…'

A sharp shard of pain shot through Derek's heart at the mention of her name. He missed her. She couldn't be gone. He needed her. It had just taken him so long to see.

'Jess, leave him, he's not worth it!'

The resident hissed loudly, and thrust a sheet of crumpled paper into his hands before releasing him. He stumbled back and looked up to meet her icy eyes, 'I hope you're happy,' she spat, before stalking away.

Meredith's closest friend backed off, and Kyle glanced at him. He opened his mouth as if he was going to say something, and then he stopped abruptly. He winced and then sighed, 'I should…go…' he mumbled.

Kyle tore after his wife, who was almost at the nurses station by now.

'Wait, Jess, wait!' he cried, barely catching up with her.

He wrapped an arm around her slender waist, kissing her dark hair tenderly. She said something to him, harsh lines on her face evident. Kyle replied something softly, dropping another kiss into her hair. And then Jess's face softened into a relaxed half-smile, and they walked off, arm in arm together.

They were happy. They were married and they were happy. Kyle was a good guy, who wouldn't cheat on his wife, or even think about it. Kyle was a guy who married the girl he loved, despite the fact that the Chief discouraged inter-staff relationships. He was proud the call Jess his wife.

Was Derek ever that guy? Yes…he was. There was a time. Before New York, before Mt Sinai, that he had paraded Meredith around everywhere, introducing her as '_his wife, _Meredith,'

He had been so proud, to show off the beautiful young woman, who he loved more than life itself. There _had _been a time, when all he wanted to do was get home to his wife, and snuggle beside her because…he could.

Where had that guy gone? The good guy Derek once tried to be? Why hadn't he stayed longer, because, maybe if he had, Derek wouldn't be lined up for a second divorce.

Derek unwrapped the crumpled piece of paper in his hand. Meredith's scrawly, doctors handwriting filled the page. It was written in an obvious rush, with an emotional Meredith penning it.

_Dear Jess and Kyle,_

_By the time you read this, I will already by on my way. I would like to tell you where I'm going but…I'm afraid that Derek might catch wind. I quit. I'm throwing the towel in or…whatever. Months, no…years, I have spent, waiting for him to see me, waiting for him to open his eyes, and come home for once. But, I can see, that I have been delusional. Derek's never going to realize that he once had me. Maybe he wasn't the best thing for me…_

Derek's heart ached. He wanted her to take it back. To pull her into his arms, and promise her, over and over again that he was going to try to be the very best for her. He wanted to tell her that he'd changed. But he was to late. Years to late.

_I just wanted to thank you, both, for offering to be friends with me. It's not exactly easy being friends with your boss, but you guys stuck by me. Please, learn from my mistakes. You two are so very lucky to have one another._

_I have to go, I have to pack, before I leave._

_Thankyou so, so much, once again. I love you both,_

* * *

Meredith watched as Addison darted around her kitchen. The only sound that flowed between the door women was the chink of a spoon on china.

'Sugar?' she offered, placing the mug in front of Meredith.

Meredith declined politely. She was stupid to come here. Addison was so awkward, even now, almost six years on since their whole love geometry. But it was still awkward.

In the brief months between Derek and Meredith's marriage, and their move to New York, Addison and Meredith had both been forced together, and under the watchful eyes of their husband and fiance, had melded a very weak, very fake friendship. That of course meant to Derek and Mark, that the girls could go out together, and have coffee and paint each others toenails, sharing deep conversations. But usually, the 'girls night in' turned out to be Addison and Meredith going to work, or Meredith leaving Addison in one store as she floated down to LL Bean.

The boys had never really cottoned on to the tension that still remained between Addison and Meredith.

But now, Meredith almost wished she had tried harder, to gain Addison as an ally, because, right now, she _really _needed someone to talk to. She had never felt this way before in her life, but she just wanted someone to tell her the honest truth. Would she be okay?

'So…you're back in Seattle?' Addison asked formally, sitting opposite her. Addison's body language screamed tension. Her legs were entwined firmly, her hands folded pertly across one another.

'Uh…' Meredith bobbed her head noncommittally, 'Yeah. At least for now,'

'Have you talked to Richard yet?'

Her voice oozed business, like she wanted to get this conversation over and done with.

'No. Not yet. Do you think he'll have something for me?'

'Well…' Addison's shaped eyebrows dipped slightly, 'Maybe. Where's Derek?'

Meredith's previous wishes to tell someone had evaporated completely. She didn't want to tell anyone that she had left him in their house, an absolute wreck last night. But…

'Um, back in New York,' Meredith offered vaguely, shrugging.

'So why are you here?'

'I…I…'

Addison raised an eyebrow, making Meredith feel very immature. Addison always had that effect on

'He cheated on me,' she blurted out.

Addison's entire body slacked in shock. Her jaw loosened, in a very uncouth way, and she sat frozen. Meredith almost laughed. She knew the feeling well. Addison just stared at her in horror. She closed her mouth, biting on her bottom lip.

'No…' she murmured, 'He wouldn't…'

She uncrossed her legs, leaning forward suddenly, 'Are you okay?'

Addison stopped, frowning, and then sighed, 'Let me rephrase that, are you _going _to be okay?'

And then Meredith knew why she came. Because Addison _did _get it. She understood completely how Meredith was feeling right now.

Meredith shook her head furtively, 'I don't know the answer to that just yet…'

Addison nodded, 'It will get better. In time.'

Meredith tried to imagine it. Tried to imagine a future, without Derek, with her smiling and laughing. But she couldn't see anything. She couldn't even see beyond the next ten minutes. Who knew where her life would be soon?

'So what are you plans while you're here?'

'I…don't know,' Meredith replied truthfully.

'How long are you here for? Where are you staying?'

Meredith smiled wryly, shaking her head again, 'I don't know,'

The older woman's eyebrows raised slightly, and Meredith sighed, 'I'm running away,' she confessed, 'And I didn't plan it. I didn't stop to say goodbye to my friends before I left. I just knew one thing. I had to leave. I didn't know that man anymore,'

The red head nodded, 'Ok,'

This was why Meredith came. Addison didn't question her reasons for running away. She knew how it felt, to be so betrayed, so alone, to be living with a stranger. Those last few months with Derek had been cold, like he just couldn't be bothered any more. She wished that she could have her McDreamy back. The guy with the swagger, and the sexy twinkle in his eye. Not the guy who cheated, and simply didn't care. But now, it didn't matter, because, she was here, in Seattle…starting again. Derek was the past. He was over, another chapter closed. She had to stop thinking of him.

Addison stood up, looping their now empty mugs around her fingers. She dumped them in the sink unceremoniously where they landed with a loud clatter. She seemed to be thinking, internally fighting with herself.

'Talk to the Chief, he'll give you a job,' Addison said quietly, 'And…if…if you want, consider our spare bedroom yours,'

* * *

By morning, everyone knew that Meredith was gone. Orderly's skirted around him in the halls, whispers following his every move. In the OR, he heard them behind his back.

'I bet he's still seeing her, Mina, of course, bastard never really did love the woman,' a nurse whispered.

'I heard, they only got a divorce because Derek was involved in the black market. You know, like, selling organs after the autopsies.'

'Are you serious that is disgusting!'

Derek hated those nurses with a passion. So he had to hide. He had taken a lead from his wife's book, and was heading towards the tunnels.

He jogged down the darkened corridor, enjoying the echoing silence.

'I just can't believe it,' a female voice said sadly, 'She's really left,'

'I know, but, we'll talk some sense into her,'

Jess. Kyle. Shit.

Derek darted into another corridor, pressing his back up against the wall, praying that the Leyton's didn't see him. His presence probably wouldn't go down so well these days.

He couldn't believe she was gone either. She was his wife. And to think that she was under the impression that he didn't love her, broke his heart. It was all lies. He loved her. He needed her.

Where could she have gone? Where could she run to in the middle of the night?

There was a nagging voice in the back of his head, that wondered, whether she had made it there safe, whether she was already repairing herself and moving on. Would she be happy, even when he knew he may never smile again?

'Hey guys,' Derek heard a weary voice join the resident's conversation. Derek stuck his head around the corner to see Maria, another of Meredith's old interns clambering onto the gurney beside Kyle and Jess. Maria's brown hair was falling loosely around her shoulders, the blonde highlights illuminated by the weak sunlight streaming through the small window up the top.

She had always been the quiet one of the group. Incredibly intelligent, but had always kept to herself. Her grandmother, and sole protector had died the year she started her internship. Meredith had taken the poor intern under her wing, and turned her into the brighter, chipper young woman she was today.

Derek had been proud of her 'children', and he loved watching the motherly instincts that came out whenever Jess or Maria were struggling.

'Hey Maria,' Jess sighed, 'Did you hear about Meredith?'

'Who hasn't?' Maria laughed softly, crossing her legs, 'The nurses tell me she's moved to Alaska,'

Kyle snorted, 'Why do I doubt that?'

Derek slunk back against the wall, deciding that he would get something from the vending machines. As he studied the food behind the glass, he continued to listen in. Meredith was close to Kyle and Jess, and despite what her letter said, maybe, they had an idea of where she could be. He needed to know.

More echoing footsteps were head, heading down the hall. Derek couldn't see who it was, but apparently that person wasn't wanted there because a collective groan ran through the group.

'Hey guys,' a sickly sweet voice hollered. Her voice was to high, to fake, to…sugar coated. He didn't need to see a face to know who that was. Mina. He hadn't spoken to her since their…incident. He was still in denial about Meredith leaving, he didn't have time to face her.

Nobody in the group responded. Stony silence met his ears.

'Can I sit here?' she pleaded.

'No,' Jess replied instantly.

'Oh come on,' Mina whined pitifully, 'We're friends remember?'

'Uh…no,' Maria supplied obnoxiously.

'When we were interns, we had the best fun, don't you remember? Why can't I sit here?'

'Because…' Jess said loudly, with the obvious, fake air of thinking, 'Oh, that's right, I like being married. And I happen to want to remain married to my husband. Can't have that with a slutty whore who goes after married men around,'

Derek shook his head. He knew Jess was sticking up for her friend, but, did Mina really have to get in the way?

'Yeah, I love my wife, apparently, unlike Dr Shepherd, so I'm going to give you a no too,' Kyle offered.

Mina obviously looked to Maria for help, 'So baby, no go here either. I like Meredith. And I believe in marriage,'

Mina stomped her foot, 'You'll regret this, when _I'm _getting better surgeries with Dr Shepherd, and you're stuck in ortho. I guess I'll see you round,'

Mina stormed off, and the three residents began to laugh.

'See ya round,' Jess taunted.

Derek straightened up. He had heard enough. He had to clarify things with Mina. He had no intentions to continue anything with her. And he had to find Meredith. His world had turned on it's axis when she walked into his life, and spun out of control when she left. He didn't know how to exist in a world without her. It was that simple.

He slipped down the passage, unnoticed by the residents, wondering if he could ever make life the same again.

_I turned my back on you and me 'cause I was scared to see  
That we weren't who we used to be_

* * *

_**Ok…I hope you guys liked this chapter. I'm not quite happy with it. (Surprising isn't it?). This is written at like…ten o'clock at night for me. I'm exhausted. But I wanted to get this…awful chapter up. It's probably the worst chapter I've written so far in this story. Apparently having no dialogue last chapter, meant I needed a lot of dialogue this chapter. Thing should even out next chapter, I hope. Ok… Meredith running to Addison…that seemed logical to me. In the first edition of this story (which is shamefully pathetic) Addison and Meredith were long time pals. It was also Alex/Addison. I've since changed my mind. But, when I thought about it again, it made more sense for Addison and Meredith's relationship to still be a little awkward, and for them to work on it. Addison was the most logical person for Meredith to run to. She's seen absent Derek, she's…experienced cheating. She'd get it. What do you guys think of it? If I have to axe their friendship then I will, but I just don't think Izzie and Cristina would get it like Addison would. Tell me what you think…**_


	8. Here Without You

* * *

* * *

_Tap. Tap. Tap. _

Meredith stared at the roof absently, listening to the rain pelt above her.

_Tap. Tap. Tap._

She was here. In Seattle. In her husband…ex-husband's, ex-wife's house. Wow…what a tangled web she wove.

The ceiling was very bland. White. Not a cobweb, crack or scratch in it. It wasn't even like an older house, where the ceilings were decorated and intricate. Just…white.

Of course, the ceiling was in stark contrast to the rest of the room. Perfect, flawless brown paint on the four walls surrounding her. It was nothing like her ex-house.

She had been in Seattle almost a whole eight hours, and she was still jobless. She hadn't seen Richard yet. Why?

Richard Webber had been there, from the beginning. He'd seen Meredith and Derek's first few months, he had warned her about him, and he'd watched their struggle, while they were apart, hell, he'd even been at their wedding. And now, he was going to get to see them apart. See what happened to Meredith when she didn't have Derek.

Who the hell was she kidding? She wasn't okay, and she probably wouldn't be okay for quite awhile. She had just asked her husband for a divorce!

Sluggishly Meredith lifted her left hand, so it dangled limply in the air, in front of her face. Her eyes focused on the bare fourth finger. Two circles, paler than the rest of her finger surrounded the base of her finger, where two weighted, gold rings used to sit.

Meredith rubbed the spot fondly. Would it always be empty?

She couldn't see a future anymore…Derek used to be her future, but suddenly, it was gone. There was nothing to look forward to. And the thought of other men…it didn't make sense. She couldn't imagine other men ever replacing Derek. But…there would have to be day. Sometime…in the future. Or was she meant to be alone for the rest of her life?

Maybe it was her fault. Derek cheated on her because she was too cold, and had…emotional issues. Maybe she was the reason that he didn't care. After all the crap she had gone through, it wasn't that hard to believe.

No! She couldn't think that. She couldn't let herself believe it. It wasn't true. Derek just…Derek he…

Why? Why did he do that? What lead him to do that? Why did he wind up to be the guy he once despised?

Deep in her mind, Meredith honestly couldn't wonder, if maybe it was her. Her hand flopped back down onto the bed with a thud, and Meredith sighed.

'Hey kid,'

The door was pushed open to reveal Mark, laden with two steaming mugs of coffee and a plate of donuts.

Meredith scrambled into an upright position, shifting so she could make room for him, 'Hey,'

The plastic surgeon walked in, handing her a cup, which Meredith thankfully accepted, and then sat down gently beside her on the bed.

Mark stretched out his shoulders, groaning, 'Work tomorrow. Start really early,' he informed her.

Meredith nodded in reply, 'I'll talk to Richard…tomorrow,'

'I have a rhinoplasty tomorrow, at six,'

Meredith nodded absently her fingers playing with the chocolate silk duvet. She pinched a tent of the soft material between her index finger and thumb, focusing her gaze on the listless fingers. He wasn't saying everything he wanted to just yet. He didn't come in here, bearing bribes, just to make small talk.

'That's good,'

The question was, how long would it take to get the truth out of him?

Mark sighed, shifting around on the bed. And then he fell silent.

The awkward ringing stretched out between them, growing deeper and deeper with each second. Any minute now…

'What happened?'

There it was. The real reason Mark came up here.

Meredith turned to look at him, frowning, 'He cheated on me,'

'No, no,' the plastic surgeon shook his head, 'No, I mean, _how _did it happen?'

She wasn't sure herself. One day he'd been there, and then slowly…he just…wasn't.

'He grew absent,' Meredith allowed him, 'Got busier with more surgeries, and just stopped coming home,'

A flicker of emotion crossed Mark's rugged face. A note of sympathy? Familiarity?

Mark nodded, 'How did you find out he was cheating?'

'I walked in on them,' Meredith sighed, 'I don't know how long it was going on for,'

'I just…' Mark began, shaking his head slowly, 'I just can't believe it. I mean, Derek loved you, more than…anything. I saw the way he used to look at you,'

Meredith let out a sharp bark of bitter laughter, 'Used to, being the operative phrase,'

'But…it doesn't make sense,' he protested, 'In Seattle, he used to parade you around everywhere, showing you off to anyone who stood still,'

Meredith smiled, remembering those days. The days when he used to introduce her as '_his wife, the surgeon,'_

She had never seen anyone act like that before. It had been like he was…proud of her. And it had been so wonderful while it lasted. Maybe that was why it was such a sharp shock when Derek stopped seeing her that way.

Tears began to sting that back of her eyes. Would anyone look at her like that again? She rubbed furiously at her eyes. Crying was a weakness. Not now.

'In Seattle,' she reminded him, 'I don't know what happened when he got to New York,'

New York. It was that place's fault. The reason they fell apart. Her eyes burned now, watering dangerously. She ground the heel of her palm into them, trying to make them stop. Not now.

Mark nodded sadly, heaving a sigh, 'I'm sorry, that it turned out like this,' he said heavily, placing a hand on her shoulder.

Meredith looked up at him, her eyes brimming with tears. There was no use pretending now.

'Me too,'

One lone tear spilled down her cheek, tracing a path to her chin. She turned her head, so Mark couldn't see her. Her face burned with humiliation. She had hours to herself before, in solitude when she could have cried, but why, why did she have to cry in front of him?

'Oh Mer,' he breathed.

Within an instant, he scooped her into his arms. She let out one sob, her body shaking with its suppressed brothers.

His large body dwarfed hers, as he pulled her into his lap, rocking her small frame back and forth. Her fingers grappled at his sweatshirt desperately, clinging to him helplessly. He shushed her quietly, just letting her cry. She probably needed this.

Every emotion she had been building up

'I just want to know…' she sobbed into his chest, 'Why? Why did he do it?'

* * *

_Why? Why did I do it?_

Derek powered down the hall, his feet squeaking against the scuffed linoleum. He needed to fix this. He needed to fix this now. First step. Mina. He had to 'clear the air' or whatever it took to get her off his case. No 'mistress' meant he was one step closer to getting Meredith back…but he still had to find her.

His first thought had been Boston. If she were running away, she would run somewhere she knew, but where she wasn't known. She was one who loved solitude most of the time. Sure, when Cristina and Meredith were together, she lit up, but she hadn't been like that for years…because of him.

They had moved because of him. They had left Seattle, left Meredith's family, because of him. And maybe, it they hadn't have moved, they wouldn't be staring into the cold eyes of divorce.

Now…Mina…where was she?

He glanced around the nurse's station. It was hopeless. This hospital was huge, she could be anywhere.

'Hey Dr Shepherd…'

Or, she could be standing right behind him.

'Dr Michelson!' Derek said breezily, spinning around to face her, 'Just the person I wanted to see,'

Mina turned pink, 'Really?'

Bad. Wrong choice of words. Implying…

'Uh, I mean…I really need to talk to you,'

Her brown eyes widened suggestively, 'Of course, Dr Shepherd,'

Brown. He didn't like that colour. Not in her anyway. Green. He loved sea green. Just like Meredith's. Meredith's eyes gave away to the turmoil inside. They were…his passage to her brain and her heart. He always knew what she was thinking, how she was feeling.

'How about we take this…' Derek looked around. Nurses were leaning in, their ears pricked up, ready to take in today's hot gossip, 'Somewhere more…private,'

'You're…' she began, lowering her eyes flirtatiously, 'Office?'

Derek gulped. That place held nothing that he wanted to think about right now.

'Uh…no. How about…' he stalled, his gaze darting around the room, 'There!'

He gestured to an empty conference room, to the right of the nurse's station.

'Very public,' Mina nodded approvingly, 'Sure,'

Derek turned on his heel, and quickly stalked into the conference room, holding the door open for her. Mina practically glided in, a smug gloating smirk on her face. She tossed her hair, and perched herself pertly on the table, 'So Dr Shepherd…' she began suggestively.

He took a wary step forward, 'Dr Michelson,'

'We have some unfinished business I see,'

Mina reached out, hooking his hands. Derek looked down at her hands that were now grasping his. She had stubby fingers. They were adorned with no glittering rings, and her nails were a chipped fuchsia, bitten down to the skin.

Not like Meredith's. His wife had always managed to keep halfway to decent nails. She bit her lip, not her fingernails. And she didn't paint them either. She did, however, paint them for their wedding. A soft, baby pink.

He smiled softly, remembering the way her hand melded with his, as she reached the altar, smiling shyly, truly fitting the title 'blushing bride'.

Mina! He had to fix things. And thinking about his wife wasn't helping.

'Dr Michelson,' he began again, tugging his hand out of her grasp, 'I think I should…clarify…some things,'

'Of course. There is a lot to talk about, isn't there?' she winked.

Derek fought the urge to gag. This was going nowhere fast.

'I misled you,' he announced, 'And I'm sorry,'

'What?'

Mina looked as if she'd been slapped. He could read her face, screwed up in confusion as she tried to process his words, 'What are you saying?'

'I'm saying that…I let you think that I was ready for…something. And…maybe I thought I was at the time. But…the truth it. I'm not interested in that. I don't want to be that guy,'

'But…why did you…' Mina frowned.

'I let it get out hand. I was enjoying the attention, from…someone new. But, in true honesty, we let it get too far. It shouldn't have got that far,'

'We didn't get far enough,' Mina muttered.

Derek shook his head. He needed to do this. He wouldn't be out-talked.

'No. We didn't get all that far. But we got too far. Because, like I said, I don't want to be that guy. Maybe I _was _that guy. But…it's going to change,'

Mina glared at him, 'This is for her isn't it? Meredith? That's what stopped you last night too?'

'I made a mistake,' Derek said, 'A big one. I didn't notice what I had, until, she was finally gone. I pushed her away. And it was then, that I realized how much I love her,'

'Love?' Mina shot back bitterly, 'What is that worth?'

'She's…she's my soul mate, Mina,' he confessed, 'And, I neglected her, for so long. It took her leaving for me to realize how much I loved her,'

'If you really loved her, why did you neglect her?' Mina challenged, 'How do you know it's real?'

There was his question. If he loved her so much, how the hell did he let it get this bad?

But it had been a long time coming. He and Meredith had always had similar goals in life, have successful careers, and have successful lives. But maybe their age gap was to blame. His aim at 39 was to have a kid, but Meredith was happy where she was. She was 30, she was still young, and she had interns of her own. Her career was taking off. And then suddenly, he had performed what they were dubbing a 'medical miracle'. His very own surgical method, that people studied. He started getting attention from the media, all very interested in his newest surgery. There were cameras following him around at work for months and his need for a family slowly faded. It was then that his wife began to settle down. She suddenly wanted the family that he'd longed for all along. Her pleas were desperate, and he ignored them. By then, he'd given up hope. He didn't want to go through the lengthy process of trying for a child that in true honesty they may never have time for. He didn't want a child to grow up in the sole care of nannies and daycares. When he wanted his first child, he wanted to be there for every minute. And he feared that maybe it was too late. Maybe they would have to spent years just trying to fall pregnant. So instead of setting himself up for disappointment he threw himself into work, basking in the attention that only the media could give. Slowly, they grew apart, and Meredith's claim for children slowly faded away, until they fell into the monotonous life that had led them to here. Divorce.

But he'd never stopped loving her, ever, even if their goals in life had changed somewhere along the way.

He looked up and met Mina's daring eyes, 'I- I should go,'

* * *

Meredith clambered up the stairs that night. She was drained. Physically and mentally. She couldn't take much more emotional slaughter today. She just wanted to sleep.

'Night kid,' Mark yawned sleepily, emerging from the bathroom down the hall, 'Sleep well,'

'I'll try,' Meredith smiled weakly.

'Good night Meredith,' Addison's stiff voice came. She slinked out of her bedroom, dressed in a champagne coloured La Perla night gown. Her red hair tumbled down her shoulder luxuriously, and she was holding a brush limply in her hand.

Meredith smiled slightly at Addison. She was going to try harder with that woman. She was offering her a place in her home, despite the fact that they once hated each other. Meredith was going to make this friendship work.

But she still couldn't see this woman…living. Where was her mess? And her daggy pyjamas that she lounged around in. And did her hair ever look anything but perfect?

Meredith wished she knew if there was a girl in there who was ever like any other college girl. The one who lolled on the couch, drinking warm beer, and left over pizza, or was she always Addison Forbes Montgomery, the designer brand wearing, expensive handbag wielding sophisticated woman that never failed to make Meredith feel small.

Meredith was going to find out, she was certain.

'Oh,' Addison said, suddenly, her voice dropping to a quieter level, 'I uh…I book an appointment with Richard, for you…if you'd like, for tomorrow morning…'

Meredith was taken aback. She had planned to book an appointment but…soonish. She hadn't really thought about what she'd say or what she'd wear…or…oh god.

'Thankyou,' Meredith replied.

A delicate shade of pink coloured Addison's cheeks, 'I'm sorry. I'm…I'm intruding, but, I just wanted to help,'

'No,' Meredith confirmed, nodding suddenly, 'No, thankyou, seriously. Otherwise, I probably never would have book it myself,'

Addison grinned, and Meredith knew, she was seeing a glimpse of the 'other' Addison.

But as fast as it came, the grin had dropped, 'So… goodnight,'

'Night Addison,' Meredith sighed, turning back into her bedroom.

As soon as she was shut into her bedroom, Meredith sighed. Tomorrow. Tomorrow with Richard Webber. She would have to face the music. And maybe that was why she had been avoiding him. Before now, this hadn't felt real. It had felt like she was on…vacation. Just leaving for a while. But when she met with Richard, and when he gave her a job, it would be permanent. There would be no turning back.

Sighing, Meredith flopped onto the cool silk duvet. Life in Seattle. She could get used to that eventually. But that meant…life without Derek. And she still wasn't quite sure she could do that.

But part of her couldn't help but be very nervous. If she accepted the job, how would she explain this to Cristina? She wouldn't understand, and Meredith could almost see the 'I told you so' look that she would receive when her person found out about Derek.

Meredith slid between the cream sheets, pulling them tight up around her chin. That was tomorrow. And she would deal with it when it came.

* * *

Derek came home, absolutely drained that night. Mina was gone. She had stormed out of the conference room in tears, and gone straight to the Chief. Rumour had it that she was transferring to Chicago. Derek didn't think he'd really miss her.

He let himself in the front door, and stepped into the dark hall. He couldn't remember the last time he had come home to an empty house, in which Meredith hadn't left the kitchen light on for him. He wandered in, hanging his coat up, and kicking his shoes off haphazardly.

With a quick snap, the kitchen light was flicked on, illuminating the room surrounding him. No re-heated meal in the oven, no half empty bottle of wine sitting on the kitchen bench with a glass left out for him. Not even any dirty dishes in the sink, reminding him of the other occupant of the house. Because there weren't any, anymore. It was just him.

A red light was flashing on their phone, and Derek's heart leapt. She was coming back. They were going to be okay.

His trembling fingers pressed the button, retrieving his newest message.

BEEP.

_Derek, it's Nancy. _

Derek felt his heart sink deep into the pit of his stomach. He honestly thought it was Meredith. For a few seconds he had let himself believe that his Meredith would be coming back. How stupid could he have been?

_You know, chances are, Meredith, you'll probably here this first._

It would have been that way. Meredith would have come home from work again tonight, slouching in the front door, and checked her messages to find her husband's closest sister calling him about god knows what. Meredith and Nancy had never really gotten along. Ever since their first disastrous meeting, they'd never gotten back on the right track. Even at their wedding, Nancy sat her arms firmly folded across her chest, her glittering eyes narrowed disapprovingly.

_Look, I just wanted to check up on you. Mom says it's been a while since you called her, and she's going insane Derek. Please call her before she does something drastic. And baby brother, may I remind you that you've been 'in surgery' for every Sunday night dinner for the past three months. What the hell's going on?_

Had it been that long? Three months since he'd seen his mother for longer than ten minutes. And…had it been that long since he was home on a Sunday night? Sunday night's used to be fun nights. They'd go over to the Shepherd family home, and play board games with the younger generations of the clan. Derek used to love the way Meredith's face would light up as one of his nieces launched themselves at Meredith for a hug. He had always known that she would be a great mother.

But now that didn't even look like a possibility. Meredith was gone, and she hated him. Hell, he hated himself at the moment for what he did to her.

_So…I have to go, I have surgery. But, I jut thought I'd check up on you. Anyway, call mom otherwise you'll have me on your doorstep. Love you._

The phone call ended abruptly, leaving Derek in stony silence. His mind was reeling. He honestly couldn't believe he'd neglected them all for so long.

Sighing, he turned on his heel and walked up the stairs. He needed to try and sleep.

Derek trudged into their bedroom, and sat gently on the edge of the bed. He slowly peeled his top off, running a hand through his hair. He doubted he'd get any sleep tonight either.

He unhooked the clasp on his watch, and placed in meticulously on the bedside table. And then he saw them. Her two rings, glittering innocently in the lamplight. He scooped them into his palm where they landed with a metallic clink.

He remembered the day he put them on her finger. They had sat so snugly, like they belonged there for life, and he was still convinced they did. He tried to remember back to a time when her left hand was bare. When they were still dating. That seemed so long ago. They were still so desperately in love back then. Back in Seattle, where Cristina pretended to throw up every time she saw them together.

He smiled softly, and then frowned. Maybe Cristina knew. If anyone at all in this world knew where Meredith would hide, it would be Cristina.

He leapt up, he was so stupid! Why didn't he think of that before?

Derek flipped his cell phone open, and scrolled for Meredith's best friend's number, a number than had been programmed there long ago.

His stomach knotted as the phone began to ring. The sharp staccato sound pierced his ears, in time with his thudding heart. He suddenly felt so close to finding Meredith.

'What?'

The unmistakeable voice of Cristina Yang came onto to other end. She sounded cranky to say the least, and her voice was laden heavily with exhaustion.

'Cristina?'

'Yes,' she grumbled sleepily.

'It's…it's Derek,' he said hesitantly. Here came the screaming. Cristina Yang was about to give him a mouthful of verbal slander. He could take it. He just needed to know where she was in bed presumably trying to sleep.

'McDreamy?' she mumbled.

He could hear her brain slowly sharpening with each syllable she uttered.

'McDreamy!' her voice was louder this time, 'Seriously?'

'Look I'm really sorry about what I did and…' he began.

'Seriously! You woke me up at 1 a.m to tell me that you needed to ask me something? Seriously?'

He frowned again. What? Why wasn't she yelling at him for Mina? Why wasn't he finding out in graphic details what he did to his wife because of his actions?

'Piss off McDreamy,' she groaned, 'I'm trying to sleep,'

'I just wanted to ask how Meredith was. Do you know where she is?'

'Uh…with you?' Cristina replied obnoxiously, 'You know, like in the other state that you swept her off to. _Five years _ago?'

Derek groaned in frustration, 'So you don't know where she is?'

'No. Why would I? Remember, half a decade since I've seen her,'

'Ok. Well…enjoy your…sleep then,'

'Would have been better without you interrupting,' she growled.

He had his finger on the red button, thanking that she hadn't picked up on anything when…

'Hold up McDreamy.'

He winced. Here it goes.

'Why don't _you _know where she is?'

'Um…um…'

Derek wracked his brain desperately for an excuse.

'She was on a consult and I thought maybe she'd stopped over in Seattle for a night…I just thought she'd be back by now…'

'O-ok,' Cristina said suspiciously, 'But if I catch wind of…'

'No, no, we're fine…' Derek lied, praying that she'd buy it, 'We're good,'

'Whatever. I don't want to know about your McLife. Goodnight,'

BEEP. BEEP. BEEP.

Derek held the phone away from his ear in surprise. He would never get used to the whirlwind that was Cristina Yang.

And then it sunk in. Meredith wasn't in Seattle. The place he thought she might've run to and she wasn't there. She hadn't even called Cristina to let her know that she was leaving him.

And that put him back at square one. His wife could be anywhere in the world by now, preparing herself to start over, once again.

* * *

Meredith wiped her mouth on the soft fluffy towel Addison had provided her. She hated being sick, especially when she had no one that cared she was sick.

She stood in front of the mirror, in the bathroom at the Sloan's place. Addison had already gone to work, and Mark was going to drop her off at the hospital in twenty minutes. And she still hadn't got dressed.

She looked tired. And pale, and thin. She looked sick. Meredith tugged a comb through her hair, in a desperate attempt to look more respectable. She was already wearing tailored black pants and a crisp white button down, in the vain hope that she would look halfway to decent.

How did Addison do it? Look perfect all the time?

Meredith cast her eyes down the bathroom sink. Neat, candy coloured bottles of creams, and perfumes surrounded it neatly. Tubes of lipstick stood side by side all lined up, showing their colourful labels to the world. Cool, clear bottles of expensive perfume, filled with the fragrant liquid sat beside that, waiting to be sprayed onto the elegant Mrs Sloan.

Meredith could never do that. She was a minimalist. Even on her generous pay check, she still never bought many cosmetics. She just didn't have the time. She sprinted between shifts and home, cooking, running around New York, finishing errands that _had _to be done and she didn't stop to lather on daring red lip stick, or long, thick lashings of mascara. The best she ever got was a slash of almost empty lip balm that she bought three years ago.

'Meredith! We're leaving!' Mark sang from downstairs.

Meredith slipped her feet into the low, kitten heels she had brought with her, tugging her hair into a sleek bun. It would have to do.

She heaved a sigh and then ran down the stairs. Mark was waiting for her, his briefcase already fastened to his side; tapping is foot impatiently, 'Come on, surgery in an hour,' he moaned, 'Richard will kill me if I'm late,'

Meredith winced apologetically, 'Sorry,'

Mark led her into the shiny black Porsche parked in the drive, letting her slide into the passenger's seat.

'Hey Mer, you sounded pretty sick up there,' he commented as they glided along the slippery Seattle road.

'Nothing I can't handle, probably just…stress or something,' she shrugged nonchalantly.

'Yeah, that's understandable,'

'Do you think Richard will give me a job?'

Mark looked her up and down, his eyes taking in every inch of her attire.

'Honey, you could show up in sweatpants and a ratty college t-shirt and he'd still give you that job. He'll be thrilled to see you back in his hospital?'

'Really?'

'Yeah,' Mark scoffed.

He swung into a park at the hospital, and dropped a kiss on her cheek, 'Knock em dead or…whatever,'

He laughed and trotted out of the car and into the hospital a few feet away.

Meredith wandered away from the car, and towards the building she had loved so many years ago.

She sighed, the sheer exterior of this building holding enough memories to last a lifetime. A gaggle of nurses sprinted in, all laughing and sharing coffee. They didn't even cast her a second glance.

Meredith took a deep breath. She could do this. She loved this place.

But everything she remembered in this place had to do with Derek. It was _their _place. The first time she realized he was her boss. The first time she realized not only was he her boss, but her married boss. The time he told her he was ending it with Addison. The first time they announced they were getting married.

She smiled sadly, as his laughing face swan before her eyes. She banished the image immediately. She _could _do this.

Meredith began to walk forward, into the lobby. The elevator stood just four feet away. Their elevator.

So she took the stairs.

Admittedly it took her ten minutes longer to get to the surgical floor but she avoided all thoughts of Derek had that elevator on the way.

She wandered through the halls of the place that she once used to know like the back of her hand, marvelling at how different everything felt. The way the ground felt underneath her feet was strange and new, just like the faces of surrounding doctors. Who were these people and when did they arrive at her hospital? And more importantly, why were whispers following her, almost like their knew her.

She almost missed Jess and Kyle. At least back in New York she knew _somebody. _

To Meredith's relief she found the Chief's office simply. And her heart leapt to see his assistant sitting at a desk outside. She finally knew someone.

'Meredith,' the woman greeted warmly, extending a hand for Meredith to shake, 'It's good to have you back,'

Meredith forced a tight smile, 'Thankyou it's…good to be back,'

She wasn't sure why she said that. Because honestly, she wasn't quite sure how it felt 'to be back'.

'The Chief will see you in a minute,'

Meredith took a seat in the Chief's very modern office, hoping that he would hurry. Her stomach was positively quivering with nerves that she didn't know she could contain. She tapped her left foot nervously against the ground, where it clicked against the metal leg of the chair. Her heart fluttered anxiously. Where was Cristina? Or Izzie?

'So…' an unimpressed voice startled her from her thoughts.

Meredith looked up and her eyes widened in surprise. It would be ok…It would be ok.

'The rumours are true,'

Meredith frowned, 'What rumours?'

'That Meredith Grey is back in Seattle,'

Meredith tried to ignore the hostility in her company's voice, and instead flinched at the use of her maiden name. It sounded strange to her ears, like it didn't quite belong, like another name should be tacked onto the end of it.

'Yeah, I am. How did you find out?'

'Nurses know everything,' the other shrugged simply, 'And they said you'd changed. A lot,'

She could see the other's eyes sweeping her body up and down, critically viewing her, 'And you have,'

'Maybe I have,' Meredith replied defiantly. Just because she'd changed, didn't mean that the person got to judge her, 'Do you have a problem with it?'

'You know, I could sit here and yell and you, but…I'll save that for later. Because then I'll really have a go at you. So I'll just say, I'm glad to see you again,'

Meredith finally smiled and looked up to meet the dark eyes of her person. She looked dead on her feet, like she hadn't slept much, and her attire suggested that she had just burst out of surgery. And yet, no matter how many years had passed things were still the same between them.

'Me too,'

_I've heard this life is overrated  
but I hope that it gets better as we go_

* * *

_**A/N: Ok…total cheese fest at the end, and the last line's a little rushed. Actually, to me, the whole chapter seemed a little rushed. Maybe because, I didn't want to go a whole week, and the chapter was almost finished anyway, so I finished it all tonight. But…that got a little messy, considering Australian Idol was on and I **_**really **_**wanted to watch it, but usually wound up making fun of the idiots who would burst into tears the second they walked through the door. Give me a break! Anyway, tell me what you think. Next chapter is all the fun of Mer/Cris talking and then Richard/Mer talking. I'll probably bring the other character's in too next chapter but I'll see how I go. I hope you appreciate the fact that I brought Cristina's introduction into the story one chapter early, she wasn't supposed to be mentioned until **_**after **_**Meredith had talked to Chief. Anyway, enough ramble. Please review, I'll love you forever, yada yadda yada. **_


	9. First Day Of The Rest Of Our Lives

_**Gah. I'm a horrible updater!**_

_

* * *

__I'm gonna chase my dreams and catch up to them  
I'm gonna find you some how, some way, somewhere, some day_

'D-D-Dr Shepherd,' a nervous intern stuttered violently, from his office door.

Derek swung around heavily on his leather chair, to face the door. He was _trying _to check his emails, and…buy more groceries at the Food Emporium, but he was _not _trying to track his wife's credit cards.

He could smack himself. After they had gotten married, it had just been easier for them to keep their own accounts, for his pay to go into his account for day-to-day things, her pay to go into hers, and onto a card which they very rarely used, that she carted around for dire emergencies. He had never counted on one of those emergencies being 'fleeing the state from her husband'.

So he was back at square one. Again. He had to give her credit. She certainly had this planned. That's what disturbed him so much, had she thought about this, planned it out for months without his knowing. Was the Mina thing completely un-related? Had he been so distant that he hadn't noticed her scheming her own divorce?

He tried to imagine them lying side by side, him sleeping soundly, while she lay awake, in the dead of the night, making calls to real estate agents, and lawyers, drawing up secret divorce plans. Did she take off her rings, whilst she dreamt of a life away from him, and think of another, safer man that would love her wholly.

He winced at the thought of another man with his hands on his Meredith. He wouldn't be himself if he allowed that. She was his. He wouldn't lose her now.

Sighing heavily, he shook himself out of his thoughts, and focused back on the poor intern in the doorway.

'Yes, Dr Martin?' Derek said questioningly, turning to look at the younger man.

He shrunk away shyly, 'D-Dr Weller's…Weller wants you,' he mumbled.

'What for?' Derek moaned. He disliked the neurosurgeon attending who had originally been his main competition for head of neurosurgery when he first moved here.

'A uh…an ependymoma tumour in a young female patient. It's in a uh hard spot and…he'd really like you to uh…have a look,'

Derek nodded, swinging himself out of the chair. Meredith would…wait.

Had this been his mentality for the past few years? Meredith was second best to surgeries, to young women with tumours in their spines. Had he really been that guy?

'No,' he uttered.

The intern stopped halfway down the hall, where he had been scurrying back to his mentor.

'W-what?' the intern gasped.

'No. I'm busy right now. In fact, I'm so busy, I think I'm going to go back home,' Derek said, satisfied with his words.

'What am I…what am…' Dr Martin breathed, before turning his devastated stare back on Derek, 'What am I supposed to tell Dr Weller?'

Derek smiled slightly, 'Tell him, that if he was man enough to be head of neurosurgery, then he would do this himself,'

He backed towards his office, 'Hell, tell him that I'm just one guy, tell him to use his brain instead of mine for once,'

And with that, Derek shut his office door behind him, smirking at the sounds of the devastated intern sprinting back to Weller.

He turned to his desk, slinging his bag over his shoulder, grabbing his coat. Screw work today. He wasn't going to concentrate all that well anyway. He was going home. Early at that.

Something he should have done months ago.

* * *

'Is that her?'

'Nah, can't be,'

'Then who is it? Her twin?'

'She doesn't have a twin dipshit!'

'Exactly!'

'Should we go talk to her?'

'IT'S NOT HER!'

'Sssshhhh! She'll hear you,'

Meredith kept her head bowed as she listened to the hushed banter flowing between the two people who stood only five feet away. They weren't very good at being inconspicuous, standing so close and talking so obviously about her.

She was in the hospital cafeteria, clutching yet another manila folder in her hands. Yet again, she had found herself with a major decision in her hands, and she had to make it soon.

'I'm going to go see if it's her,' a lofty voice announced.

In one whole step, the other person was looming over Meredith, her shadow quivering in her presence.

'Uh excuse me, I'm so sorry but my friend and I…ah shit!'

The very feminine shriek was loud and head turning as Meredith lifted her head to meet the other girl's eyes.

Izzie Steven's hadn't changed even slightly in the past five years. Her blonde hair was still braided neatly down her back, her pretty blue eyes sparkling with the childish jubilance that Meredith loved to see.

'Meredith!' she squealed excitedly, 'You're back!'

And within a whirl of blonde and navy, Meredith found herself pulled out of her chair and into a tight hug.

'Oh god, how long are you back for? Are you planning on staying long? Oh you _have _to come to dinner before you go back to New York! How's Derek? Is Derek's good, I'm sure he is, being a hot shot and all. And how are you? You look good and you're…'

Izzie stopped to breath, releasing with Meredith. Her warm brown eyes swept over Meredith.

'So, how are you?'

Meredith smiled softly, 'Yeah, I'm good,' she said.

The words fell out of her mouth instantly, engraved permanently on her lips for a question like that.

'That's good, good,' Izzie said, already twisting her body away from Meredith, 'Hey Alex! Get over here!'

Alex Karev wandered over to the pair, with his usual cocky grin in place.

'Grey,' he greeted cheerfully, 'Good to see you again,'

'Does Cristina know yet?' Izzie asked excitedly, 'And someone should call George!'

Meredith frowned, 'Call George? Why, where is he?'

'Mercy West,' Izzie said, shrugging off-handedly.

But Meredith had seen the shadow that had flickered behind her eyes as she said it. There was more to that story.

'Ok,' Meredith agreed.

'What about Cristina? Do I need to page her?'

Izzie had whipped out her Blackberry and her fingers were already poised over the keys, when Meredith replied with a no.

'It's ok. I saw her briefly, but she had to go to surgery. I told her that she could meet me here in a few hours,'

Izzie nodded, 'Ok, have you had lunch? You're very thin still,'

Meredith smiled. She had missed this, the maternal, mother hen Izzie, who had the need to fuss over anyone who would let her.

'Oh, I haven't eaten anything yet. Do you want to eat with me?'

She hadn't given Izzie or Alex a second thought in the past few months, but suddenly, she was so glad they were here.

'Oh, we can wait for Cristina,' Izzie replied at the same time as Alex said, 'Yeah, good would be good,'

They looked at each for a few moments, and Meredith laughed, 'Alex, go eat,'

As Alex darted off, Izzie and Meredith took their seats at the plastic table.

'What's this?' Izzie pried curiously as she reached for the manila folder in front of Meredith, 'Anything interesting?'

'Oh!' Meredith looked down at the yellow paper. Izzie couldn't know. Not yet. Not before she had made her mind up.

She slapped her hand down on it, 'Just…boring paperwork that I have to catch up on,'

Izzie withdrew her hand suspiciously, 'Ok…have fun with that,'

They lapsed into momentary, awkward silence, the only sound, Izzie tapping her scuffed shoes against the ground.

'So…' she began uncomfortably, 'What uh…what brings you out here?'

'Um…' Meredith searched for a good excuse.

Change of pace? New lifestyle? Fleeing her husband?

'Um, just a short visit,' Meredith lied quickly.

'Oh, that's a shame. But it's good to see you again,'

'Yeah, you too,' Meredith smiled, 'Tell me, what's happened in _your _life?'

She was very pleased with her deflection of all talk Derek so far. She didn't want to bring that subject up, until her mind was made.

'I'm great!' Izzie gushed, 'I'm engaged to Alex of course,'

'Of course?' Meredith cried, 'How come I didn't know this!'

Izzie let out a tinkling laugh, 'He proposed about four months ago!'

'Well,' Meredith demanded, 'Let me see,'

Izzie held out her long hand for Meredith to admire the beautiful ring on her finger. The diamond and sapphire ring in a flawless princess cut, that looked stunning on Izzie's finger.

Meredith felt an odd twinge in her stomach as she gazed down on the other girl's hand, thinking of her own bare left hand, buried deeply into her left pocket.

'It's amazing,' Meredith confirmed, 'Congratulations,'

Izzie beamed proudly, 'They'll never be as beautiful as that ring Derek gave you,' she sighed, 'That was so romantic, when he proposed,'

Meredith winced, trying to ward of the flood of images already. Derek. Tux. Turquoise silk dress. High heels. Knee…

She felt the tears burning her eyes. Crying for seemingly no good reason would seem stupid. She couldn't cry…not…

'Yeah, it uh…was,' Meredith said quickly.

She had thought he was the most amazing man on this planet. He had been the best thing that had ever happened to her for as long as she could remember. But she was mistaken. Derek was…something else. Something bad. He had forced her to this very spot she was today. She wasn't going to be pushed around any further.

She pulled the manila off her lap. That was her mind made up. She grabbed a pen out and scribbled her name on the bottom of the page.

'Izz!' she excused herself, 'I have to go see Richard. Can you wait here, and tell Cristina I'll be down soon, we'll have lunch together,'

With that, Meredith darted away. She was on a mission.

* * *

Derek groaned raking his hand through his hair. Stupid silence. Stupid house. Stupid solitude.

The house was too quiet, the couch too uncomfortable. The TV was too unintelligent, the presenter's too fake.

He had finally taken the 'grand gesture' and knocked off work early. He had taken the time to come home…to an empty house. He was months too late. He should have done this in April, not August.

And now he was alone, without a wife, without a clue to where she was. Because he hadn't taken time off before today.

Wasn't time off meant to feel good? A time to kick back, catch up on the episodes of General Hospital that you had missed in the long hours that you worked every other day?

So, why was he sitting in his office, Googling his wife's name? He had no idea what good typing Meredith Grey, into Google would do, but, he felt as if he was helping in some way. He had given up on tracking her through the banks…maybe he should hire a private investigator…

Derek sighed, manoeuvring his mouse to hover over one article.

_Mt Sinai's Latest Addition:_

Standard staff email, just announcing the 'Shepherd's' arrival in New York.

The Grey Method; Ellis Grey 

Half of the article he clicked on was predominantly about Ellis Grey and her surgeries. Most of them didn't have anything to do with Meredith.

SGH: It's a Happy Month… 

Derek had no idea what that site was doing up here. Richard had posted it on the staff news page soon after they got married. Sharply he clicked on it, waiting for the page to load.

Slowly, the page revealed a few photos of him and Meredith on their wedding day. The same one that hung on their wall. Beside that was Callie and George, with their brand new daughter, Jessie. He smiled fondly. They had been in Fiji, on their last day, when they got the call from George. Callie was in labour.

They had flown home as soon as they could to see the little girl. She had been a beauty, a lot like her mother. He remembered that day, knowing that he had to have children. Seeing little Jessie's dark eyes, and her small fingers curling protectively around her mother's, Derek knew right then, that he wanted children with Meredith, more than he'd ever wanted them before.

That had been a good month.

Slowly, the smile slid from his face. Now he'd never have children, because he screwed up, big time.

He logged off his computer, his heart heavier than it had been before. He trudged into the lounge and settled on the couch, his mind still full of the children that he would never have…

* * *

'It's really finally,' Richard sighed, 'You're serious,'

'Yes,' Meredith said confidently, 'I'm serious. I've made up my mind and there's…there's no turning back,'

'It's sad, to see you and Derek end like this,' he said wisely.

They sat in his office, the manila folder now in his hands. Meredith stood opposite him, her shoulder's back and her head high. She was going to be okay.

'Well, don't they say all good things come to an end?'

'I was hoping this wasn't one of them,'

Meredith allowed a wry smile onto her lips, 'Me too,' she sighed, 'Oh well, can't change what happened now,'

He glanced down back at the papers, 'You're sure?'

'Certain,' Meredith replied.

She couldn't believe she was doing this. Sealing her fate. Right now. Here.

'Ok then,'

Richard bent down, scrawling out his signature beside hers. And then he straightened up and smiled, extending a hand.

'Meredith Grey, Head Of Neurosurgery,' he said admiringly, 'It has a nice ring to it,'

Meredith smiled lightly, 'Yeah, I guess it does,'

'Welcome back to Seattle Dr,'

_First day of the rest of our lives, I miss you already  
Last time I saw that look in your eyes, I miss you already_

* * *

**A/N: I'm like…the worst person ever. I had planned to post a chapter by Thursday, because I was busy Friday. And then, somehow, I wound up, dancing for twelve hours straights. And trying to write after that…well, you don't want to see my shitty, 'Hehe, I've been awake for 26 hours!' writing. And then…it was a case of 'Holy Shit, I have five assignments due in the next fortnight'. So, it was delayed again…and then, Tuesday came around, and I had finished one of those drastic assignments, and…NCIS was on, so I couldn't possibly spend my night writing. And so, **_**now **_**I'm writing. I'm sorry that I made you wait this long and then gave you this lame filler for a chapter. I know I'll probably disappoint many of you, but a new chapter should be pretty soon. And look on the bright side, I have three weeks off in three weeks. Yay for regular updates! Anyway, she hasn't told Cristina, Izzie, or Alex yet. Because, she's afraid of their reactions. Their reactions will be next chapter, I just want to make sure I get it right. George may or may not be a backstory depending on a) how many people actually care or b) whether or not I think I'll be able to fit his story in.**

**You may be able to pick up on the parts I wrote before I was fully functional, because it makes no sense, but right now I don't have the energy to re-edit it. Next chapter will be a lot, lot better, I promise. I'll post another chapter hopefully very soon, and people who know a lot more about grey nurse sharks will get updates faster. Hehe…**

**So, anyway, press the pretty purple button, please?**


	10. You Could Be Happy

_You could be happy and I won't know. But you weren't happy the day i watched you go._

* * *

'Hey!' a familiar voice hollered behind her.

It was an ambush really; more so than a friendly greeting. She had only just stepped out of Richard's office when the other woman gained upon her. Meredith turned her head, so she could look at her best friend, rapidly gaining speed, towards her.

Meredith jerked her head quickly to the right, a tangled mess of dark hallways. That path would lead her on a half hour journey, through the ancient, dusty wards. They were generally the geriatrics wards, places where very few surgeons ventured. But, she would, eventually wind up at her destination, at the admin centre of the hospital, where the new stack of slips and forms she had, would find home.

Or…she had the choice of facing Cristina, and taking a mere five minutes journey through the shiny wings of the hospital, and be home within no time…

And then she saw the look on Cristina's face. Yeah right. She wasn't escaping anytime soon.

So, she turned right and began to scurry down the hall.

'Oi! Grey! I know you hear me!'

Meredith groaned, stopping dead in her tracks. She could hear Cristina's sneakers slapping against the floor, until she finally reached her.

'Where are you going?'

'Um…that way,' Meredith flapped her hand uselessly in the direction of the hallways ahead of her.

'Really?' Cristina said coolly, 'Well…I think I'm going this way to,'

'Oh,' Meredith whimpered. Damn. There was definitely no running away.

'Yeah. Isn't that great?' Cristina said sweetly, a very fake grin plastered on her face, 'We can…walk, catch up and…do best friend things!'

To finish her statement, she clapped her hands together, and Meredith was instantly reminded of Izzie.

'Please,' Meredith laughed, 'Don't do that again,'

'Gladly,' came Cristina's dry reply. Her bony hands gripped Meredith's arms, swivelling her entire body so she was facing left, to the corridor Cristina had just run down.

'Let's go,' she ordered, 'I need to talk to my intern, and you're coming with me,'

Meredith had no choice, but to weakly trail behind her person, who was firmly marching ahead, her eyes trained onto her pager.

They walked in silence for a few minutes, through the plastics ward; their only sound was Meredith's heels against the linoleum. The pressure was intense. Meredith wasn't sure how long she could keep quiet. Her palms were itching from where they were swinging by her side.

Surely Cristina would be suspicious. Then again, she always was…Meredith wanted to tell her. No. No she didn't. Yes…she did. She needed Cristina to understand, and she needed to tell someone other than Addison…but, Cristina wouldn't get it…

Suddenly Cristina stopped dead in the hallway, causing Meredith to crash straight into her.

'Hey!' Meredith protested, rubbing her now sore shoulder, 'Watch where you're walking!'

Cristina shot her a look, which silenced Meredith immediately, making her feel like a second grader again.

'Why are you really here Meredith?' she sighed her voice laced with irritation. As if talking to her best friend was priority number 689 in her to-do list today.

'What do you mean?'

'I'm not stupid Meredith,' Cristina said quietly, 'Coincidence, is your husband calling me to ask if you were with me. Coincidence is you showing up the day after that. However, I cannot put coincidence down to you, acting shifty, telling different stories to everybody about your appearance, and spending your entire trip here with Richard. Something's going on, and it's something you're not telling me. So, you're going to tell me what it is right now,'

Meredith sighed. This was why she hated Cristina. She knew everything. She had this uncanny intuition when it came to lies, and that was why she was such a good doctor.

'Cristina…I can't…' Meredith said slowly.

'Why? Because you have to go to lunch with your precious Addison?' Cristina sneered, 'Addison! Satan! What the hell were you thinking when you did that!' her person threw her hands in the air.

Meredith's face broke into a small smile, 'I'm not sure. I don't think I was thinking at the time,'

'Clearly,' she scoffed, 'Are you here on business? Is it some VIP case that you can't tell anyone about?

Typical. First conclusion. Surgery.

'N…no…' Meredith stammered, 'It's not that…'

'Are you sick? Is that why you've come crawling back to Seattle? To the real doctors?'

Typical. Second conclusion. Surgery.

Cristina had always scoffed at the New York doctors, saying they were better for the pages of glossy magazines, and were too afraid of breaking a nail to do real surgeries.

'No! I'm not sick!'

'Then…is it…' Cristina racked her brain; 'I don't know…your father on his deathbed, begging for wimpy forgiveness?'

'Funny,' Meredith said dryly, 'You're a funny girl,'

'You know what…forget it. Don't bother telling me then,'

Cristina turned to walk off and Meredith groaned. It always worked. Guilting her into confessing the secrets she was keeping.

'Fine!' Meredith called, 'I'll tell you,'

Her person spun around, a smug grin plastered on her face. She had succeeded and she knew it.

'Just…come in here…or something…'

Meredith gestured to an empty patients room to their left, praying that Cristina would understand. This was private, and she needed it to be that way. For now at least.

Cristina narrowed her dark eyes as she followed Meredith into the room. As Meredith shut the door behind them, Cristina perched herself onto the empty chair in the corner.

'Speak, now,'

Meredith took a deep breath, 'Ok…you can't freak out, okay?'

* * *

Derek dragged himself to the grocery store. How long had Meredith been doing the grocery shopping? That had always been his job, because Meredith couldn't be trusted to put foods that most would class as healthy in the basket. When she used to shop, they used to wind up with strawberry poptarts and sugar-coated cereal. But…when had been the last time _he _walked into this store?

He had tried to order groceries online to prevent having to do this, but no such luck. His first day off in months, and he was wasting in, shopping for food, alone.

Where the hell was she? It was plaguing his mind, every second of the day. Was she safe? Did she have someone taking care of her? Cooking for her, so she didn't have to eat take away every night? Was she happy?

He was so frustrated with himself. He thought of everything months too late. Meredith. Holidays. Love. Why did he let it get this bad in the first place? He…he wanted to scream, to hit something, mostly himself. It was his fault she was gone, because he was so fucking stupid.

He pushed the cart through the supermarket, absently observing the rows of shiny, glossy boxes of over processed crap. He wasn't even sure why he was bothering to shop for food. His appetite had disappeared, and nothing had hit his stomach since Meredith had left. It all felt like he was ramming cardboard down his throat anyway.

Tinny music floated around him, as he walked down the aisles, randomly grabbing food off the shelves.

He stopped in front of the toiletries aisle. Shampoo, soap, shaving cream…conditioner.

He could see it, in the white bottle and beautiful gold writing. He would know the bottle anywhere. Derek reached out and gripped it, wrapping his hand around the smooth bottle. The bottle that had become his obsession, for the enchanting scent that twirled out of it.

He uncapped the bottle carefully bringing it up to his nose, his eyes carefully sealed.

Derek let out a sigh, of tension that had been building in his stomach. He could stay here forever. And for this moment, he was going to allow himself to believe, that she was right in front of him, with her honey hair, freshly washed, tossing in his face with an infectious giggle. He could see her. He could almost feel her too. The scent was filling him, entirely, taking him over. Part of him knew that this was insane, standing here, sniffing shampoo, holding onto something that clearly wasn't part of his life anymore. But for now, he just wanted to stay.

'Well, I'll be,' a loud voice bellowed, from somewhere to his left. Derek was startled out of his thoughts, to the very familiar shrill voice.

'Surely that can't be…Derek Shepherd!' the woman cried, 'Because, as far as I knew, he'd disappeared a year ago!'

Derek winced, spinning around to come face to face with his sister.

'Hey Nance!' he grinned weakly, trying to sidle the bottle behind his back quietly. Nancy didn't need to know yet.

'Are you sure you're my brother? Because…you know, I couldn't know, it's been that long since I've seen him,' she said coldly.

'Great to see you too,' he replied, still keeping up the cheerful voice.

'How's Meredith?' she asked without missing a beat.

'Um…'

His mind was racing. Did he tell her the truth? She'd probably go broadcast the news to all the other Shepherd women and before long, he would have five women clambering on him, calling him for a week straight. He'd be forced to sit through long talks, and he'd eventually be forced to tell them, that it was in fact his fault, not hers.

No. He wasn't going to tell her.

'Yeah, she's great. Actually…she's at work today, busy, busy lady!' he laughed nervously.

Nancy was the only sister he'd never been able to lie to. Ever. Even as a kid, she would always know when he was making it up.

Nancy studied him severely, her eyes narrowed menacingly. Her eyes said everything. I. Don't. Believe. You.

'Ok,'

Nancy pulled her sharp gaze away, and settled for a more loving, sisterly type glance.

'How have you been then? You appear to have been busy,'

'Oh yes, very busy. The Chief up at Sinai wants to offer me his position, so I've been training, and practicing, just to avoid gossip when it's announced,' he chatted.

The more he thought about it, the more he realized that, that job offer was probably the last straw in Meredith's mind. She probably gave up once he accepted.

Suddenly, Nancy's pager went off and she grimaced, 'I have to go. But…come for dinner, soon, okay?'

She backed away from him, and Derek let out a sigh of relief. If Nancy believed him, then he was fine. Nobody had to know anything, because, he wasn't giving up on Meredith, and they were so far from over. He was going to find her. And then, when everything was okay, and Meredith was sleeping within the confines of his arms, nobody would ever have to know a thing.

* * *

'THAT BASTARD!'

A very angry Cristina Yang burst from the room she had just been in. Her face was read and she was storming, very decisively down the hall.

'Cristina!' her best friend popped out, chasing after her, 'You said…'

'I'm going to kill him! I'm seriously going to kick the shit out of that bastard!' Cristina fumed, 'That…'

She continued to blatantly yell abuse down the empty hallways, Meredith hovering behind her, 'You can't Cristina…'

'I'm going to call that asshole, and tell him exactly what I think of him. I'm going to give him a piece of my mind and then I'm getting on the next flight to New York and I'm going to kill him,'

'You can't!' Meredith protested, 'You can't talk to him because…'

'What's happening? What asshole? Why New York?'

Izzie and Alex emerged from one of the tunnels, obviously brought out by the commotion of Cristina's threats.

'McDreamy's an asshole,' Cristina growled, 'And I'm going to kill him,'

'Why? I thought Mer…but you…' Izzie said slowly, 'Why?'

'Just drop it…' Meredith tried, but was over rode by Cristina and Izzie.

'What the hell's going on! Why are we killing McDreamy?'

'I'm not just going to kill him,' Cristina muttered vindictively, 'I'm going to castrate him first,'

Meredith tried again to protest but Izzie was yelling now, 'Why? I wanna know why?'

It was total chaos, the four friends barrelling along the hallway, all asking questions and trying to yell.

'I'm going to…nobody does that to my friend!' Cristina yelled, spinning on Meredith, as they emerged out into the brighter corridors.

'You hear me Mer? Nobody gets to do something like that to my sister?'

'I know but…'

'WHAT HAPPENED!' Izzie shrieked.

'MCDREAMY CHEATED ON MEREDITH!' Cristina screamed at Izzie.

Meredith winced, closing her eyes. Trust Cristina to announce that to the whole world. Just when she was thinking she wanted to keep it quiet.

'What?' Izzie whispered, mortified, her voice dropping twenty decibels. She clapped her hand to her mouth, 'Oh Mer, I'm so sorry!'

The nurse's station was buzzing below, causing Meredith to roll her eyes. She wanted to lean over the balcony and scream, 'Call me Dr Grey while you're at it!'

'Excuse me, I really have to make an important phone call,' Cristina whispered maliciously.

She began to walk off and Meredith chased after her.

'You can't!' she cried, catching Cristina's arm, 'You can't call him Cristina. He doesn't know where I am! If you call him, he'll know exactly where I am and come back to Seattle, in an attempt to win me back,'

'Mer, I really just want to yell at…'

'I know,' she sighed, running a hand through her hair, 'So, do I. Trust me. But, we can't. Because he needs to become part of my past,'

Cristina sighed, 'Fine. But I'll…'

She walked off, grumbling unhappily about exactly what she wanted to do to him.

Meredith stared after her friend. Now she knew. But…so did everyone else. And then, Meredith felt a heavy hand coming to rest on her shoulder. Meredith turned her head, and saw Alex standing behind her, a sad look on his face, whilst a bitter smile turned his lips.

'You okay?' he murmured, as Meredith turned to face him fully. The tears sprung to her eyes. He understood. The look in his eyes, read her pain, and Meredith felt better for it.

'No,' she laughed weakly, 'I'm not,'

'Glad to hear you've changed your response,' he teased in a feeble attempt to lighten their mood.

And then he did the unexpected. He swooped her into his arms, crushing her against his chest in a warm hug. The embrace said all that Alex couldn't convey with words. I'm here for you. I always will be.

Meredith sagged into Alex's body, burying her head firmly into his chest. Addison understood, and Meredith appreciated that. Mark acted like everything was normal, and Meredith wished it was. But Alex…he was the first person to offer a form of psychical affection she had been deprived of for so long. Derek…Derek stopped truly holding eventually. He held her hand because…that's what you did when you were married. Everything she missed for so long, Alex was happy to be.

Alex ran his large hands up and down her back, as Meredith sighed heavily.

'Thankyou,' she whispered, 'I really needed that,'

'I know,' he smiled, as she pulled away from him, 'Tell me if you need another one,'

He ruffled Meredith's hair lightly before smirking, 'I should get back to work, but I'm sure Izzie here will be more than glad to talk to you,'

Dusk fell so soon upon Seattle, and Meredith spent hours with Izzie, in the cafeteria, just talking. They talked about the wedding that Izzie was feverishly planning. They talked about the children that Izzie was also feverishly planning. They talked about Meredith's new job. In fact they talked about anything, so long as it avoiding Derek Shepherd and New York City.

'And I was thinking white and red roses for the bridesmaids bouquets. And of course, you'll be a bridesmaid,' Izzie gushed, waving her hands around, 'Because, it'll just be so exciting,'

'Dr Stevens,' a warm voice greeted from behind them. Meredith and Izzie both swivelled to see Addison standing in the doorway, a coat draped over her arm, one hand on her hip.

'I see you've been reacquainted already,' she laughed, 'But, as much as I hate to break it up, I'm going home. I was just going to ask, Meredith, if you wanted to go with me, or wait until Mark leaves,'

Meredith looked up at her now-roommate. Addison had fixed a stare onto her, that Meredith couldn't quite define. Was it hope? Maybe the hope that they could eventually be friends?

Meredith stood up, placing a hand on Izzie's shoulder, 'I'll see you on Monday, maybe sooner,'

Izzie barely lifted a hand in reply as Meredith and Addison made their way to the door.

'Dr…Meredith…' a nurse whispered, almost reverently, as Meredith walked through the hall, 'I'm so sorry to hear about your divorce,'

Addison turned to look at Meredith in shock, her perfect eyebrows arching. Meredith tried to slouch further, hoping to be hidden by her lanky companion's frame.

'Uh…Thankyou Nurse…Briana…' Meredith muttered awkwardly.

Meredith managed to drag Addison along the hall, slinking away from the curious eyes turning on her.

'Everybody knows huh?' Addison questioned, staring at her, 'How did that happen?'

'Cristina. That's how it happened. Tell my person what's happening in my life and she screams it out for the entire surgical staff to hear,' Meredith grumbled, 'My life huh?'

Addison laughed lightly, 'Well…better out in the open now!'

The two women strolled out to Addison's car, the heavy rain reduced to a light, rather miserable drizzle in the stormy sky.

'Mark doesn't get home til later, so I was thinking…maybe we could just…I don't know…' Addison trailed off, shrugging lopsidedly.

'What?' Meredith frowned. Meredith was the rambler. The avoider. Addison Montgomery was a get to the point girl, and didn't beat around the bush. How come they were changing places in this instant?

'Maybe just…get a pizza or something, watch…movies,'

A bright blush began to creep over Addison's cheeks and she bowed her head slightly, 'Just a thought…' she mumbled.

Pizza. Movies. Addison. Why didn't they fit together?

'Like as in…sappy chick flick…types of things?' Meredith laughed.

'I was just…'

This was certainly a different side of Addison. The shy, apprehensive, awkward woman who was completely different to

'No!' Meredith jumped in quickly, 'I'd like that,'

Addison's face lit up with a smile, 'Really?'

'Yeah,' Meredith nodded slowly, her mind already well and truly set, 'It'll be fun,'

Meredith knew that Addison was extending her friendship in the only way she knew how.

'I was just thinking when…when everything…' Addison backtracked, 'When everything fell to crap with Derek,' she said tentatively, carefully gauging Meredith's reaction as if she would shatter at her ex-husbands name, 'I just…sitting on my couch, sobbing, admittedly, with Savvy, watching Notting Hill, it sort of helped. I was distracted, and I didn't think about Derek anymore. I focused on…Hugh Grant,'

Meredith laughed again. Taking her mind off Derek. That would be really nice.

* * *

A woman dashed up the front steps of a place she clearly knew like the back of her hand. Her six-inch heels clicked against the stone steps, leading up to the door. The tweed pencil skirt restrained her long legs, as she clicked up to the door. She was epitome of sophisticated and it was clear that she knew it.

She didn't even bother knocking at the front door; she knew it would be open. She darted inside easily. The house was warm, engulfing her from the crisp night air outside.

'Evening,' she greeted in her usual clipped tone as she entered the kitchen. Four other women were situated around the kitchen, sitting in various positions, all chatting. A round of cheerful greetings were thrown back at her, a glass of red wine pressed into her hand, her brown coat pulled off her shoulders.

'Guess who I saw today?' she said slowly, kicking her shoes off, and wriggling into position beside her sister on the kitchen bench.

All the other women leaned forward with interest, ready for today's hot gossip.

'I saw Derek in a supermarket!'

If anything, that piqued their interest more. The oldest woman in the room turned from the precious dish that was simmering on the stove, to look at her eldest daughter.

'What did he say?' Jackie murmured.

'I asked him how Meredith was…'

'And…' Kathleen pushed.

'He said everything was fine,'

The women all frowned, leaning back towards their usual positions.

'But…' Nancy began again, taking a deep breath, 'I think he's lying,'

They were interested again. Very interested.

'We have to check it out?' the baby, Sophia asked curiously.

'Of course we do!' Nancy laughed, waving at her stupidity, 'We're going to get to the bottom of this, if it's the last thing we do!'

_Most of what I remember makes me sure  
I should've stopped you from walking out the door._

_You could be happy i hope you are  
You made me happier than I'd been by far  
Somehow everything i own, smells of you  
and for the tiniest moment it's all not true_

_-Snow Patrol._

* * *

_**A/N: Shitty chapter. I know. I really, really know that this is by far the worst chapter. I really wanted to get it up otherwise...you guys won't have an update for like..a fortnight straight. I have been working on my Science paper all night and I have Grey Nurse Shark pouring out my ears. If I ever have to read a damn thing about those stupid beasts again I will cry. I'm very passionate about the environment…(whatever). This chapter is my major stress release for the night, to ward off any emotions that might lead to me putting the fist through my laptop screen. (Can't be too good for the computer). So, forgive the bad chapter, I have seven exams in the next five days, so, expect a happy 'Yay Exam Block's Over' update Friday or Saturday-ish. And then, I'm all about this fic. For three entire weeks, I'm totally devoted to this story. Sounds like fun huh? I know a lot of you said that last chapter was Meredith's turning point, but this chapter is the entire stories, really. Everybody's in place for future chapters. It means the chapters can move a little faster and include more plot than these past three or so…Meredith's in Seattle. She's living and patching her friendship with Addison. Cristina and co knows. Nancy's suspicious. Derek's miserable. Addi is becoming human to Meredith. They're all set for the next set of chapters. Oh! I almost forgot. How do all of you feel about Lexie? As in half-sister Lexie? I considered writing her in this chapter, but I'm not sure how you guys feel about her yet. She's still on grace period with me, but if she makes a move on Derek in the premiere she's out. So, tell me, will people be throwing things at me if I write her in?**_

_**Anyway, just review with, 'Hope you hurry up and start writing something decent' or something… **_


	11. Hold On

* * *

'Is it working?'

'What?'

Meredith tore her eyes away from a couple in glancing adoringly at each other, under the pretence of watching opera, to look at the other woman in the room. Addison was curled up on her leather couch, a thin blanket drawn over her knees. As it turned out Addison _did _own sweats. Well… as close to sweats as you could get with the work Nike stamped all over them.

'The movie thing? Is it helping?'

Meredith looked down at her watch. 11pm. It was eleven, and they had been watching movies for…a long, long time, and not once in those past hours had she spent a thought on Derek.

'Yeah,' Meredith said, nodding her head contemplatively, 'I think it is…'

'Good,'

Meredith turned back to the fourth movie that they were watching. They had progressed from the 21st century and were gradually making their way into the early nineties. They had just watched Four Weddings And A Funeral, much to Addison's delight, and were now heading towards Flashdance and Dirty Dancing.

Currently, on the screen, played out Richard Gere and Julia Roberts, walking out of a theatre, _'Did you like the opera dear?' an old lady asked._

'Oh, it was so good, I almost peed my pants!' 

Meredith snorted. No matter how many times she saw Pretty Woman, she still laughed every time. She had loved this movie since college, when she knew she a slut sometimes. She always loved to think that eventually she would find her own…prince to sweep her off her feet, like Vivian did.

'She said, I liked it almost as much as Pirate's of Penzance,' 

Meredith reached forward to the glossy coffee table, now littered with DVD cases, half empty pizza boxes, and empty bags of microwave popcorn.

It had struck Meredith, hours before, as she stood in front of Addison's pantry, wondering what the hell she was planning on eating all night. At the time, all Meredith could see was tubs of flax seeds and unsalted cashews, cartons bottled spring water, racks of organic fruits, and rows and rows of low fat breakfast shakes.

How was that food even classed as edible? She couldn't see anything that she could ever imagine even eating, let alone whilst curled up in front of the TV.

It was then Addison reached into the very back of the bottom shelf and emerged with a Tupperware container. To Meredith's delight, it was filled with salty chips and candy bars. According to Addison, she had to keep this box hidden, otherwise she'd go insane without it, but Mark would devour it all if he knew.

'You know, you really had me worried,' Meredith announced, scooping up a handful of M&M's, 'I thought I'd be living off organic banana's for the next few weeks,'

Meredith looked at Addison, her face splitting into a smile, laughter lilting her voice. Addison grinned, and began laughing, too.

Before long the two women were just laughing, ignoring the passionate moment unfolding on the screen before them, just happy to be where they were right then.

But, the buzzing on Meredith's cell phone interrupted them. Still smiling, and chuckling, Meredith checked the screen. The reaction was instantaneous. Her eyes creased, her smile faltering and the laughter dying on her lips.

'I…' Meredith stumbled, 'I should…I should get this, I think,'

Dazedly, Meredith staggered out of the room, excusing herself briefly to the other woman.

Addison sighed to herself, as the younger woman. There was only one person who could do that to her, and it was sad that the call had to come now, especially when she had been close to forgetting…

* * *

'Look at him,' Jess whispered, 'He's falling to pieces,'

She and her husband were sitting in an empty conference room, completing charts that their interns were too stupid to complete. From their vantage point, they could observe the comings and goings of the stairs, the elevator doors and the nurse's station. Mostly, it was boring, nurses typing, lawyers yelling, families reading. It was a generally quiet place, especially when Meredith wasn't here. That was another thing they had noticed, how subdued the hospital had been, especially in Derek's presence, since her disappearance.

But Derek Shepherd, now there was an interesting subject for their nurses station watch. 24 hours since Meredith had left, and already he was becoming self-destructive. He was currently talking to his patient's family, and failing dismally. He would attempt to pronounce a word that he'd rattle off every other day, and falter and stop. He kept raking his hands over his pale face, and he was growing more annoyed with himself as time went on.

'How does someone just…fall to shit like that? He doesn't know that she won't be back!'

That was Jess's latest hope. Meredith would be coming back. She had told herself that over and over again.

'She won't,' Kyle sighed, shaking his head, 'I know it, you know it. And he? He definitely knows it,'

Jess moaned, rubbing at her eyes, 'Yeah…but…he just…he's cracking without her,'

'I always knew he would,' Kyle said sadly, 'They're…soulmates,'

Jess swivelled in her seat, so she was facing her husband, 'Then why are they getting a divorce?'

Kyle shrugged, 'I don't know…things…change, people change. I'm not saying that love like that _ever _disappears, but just maybe they grew apart,'

'He neglected her!' Jess cried, snapping her incomplete chart shut, 'He ignored her for so long and you saw it!'

Kyle looked uneasy as his wife continued, 'You were there in the last days! We watched them disappear Kyle and we didn't help!'

'There was nothing…'

'We should have been there for her! She didn't have to leave New York! She's lonely, she's hurt and she's…we could have helped!' she yelled.

The couple fell silent, Jess's eyes falling back down onto the grey chart. The silence was thick, and tension heavy as they both thought about their conversation. Jess looked at her husband's left hand, resting atop the table, the ring she placed on his fingers two years ago, still gleaming tonight.

'That won't happen to us will it?' she whispered fearfully, 'We won't…we won't ever do that?'

'No,' Kyle murmured, grasping her hand, 'We won't. We'll learn from their mistakes, and it won't ever happen,'

He leaned over and kissed her hair tenderly, 'And…you tell me if it ever gets that bad,'

Jess nodded, her eyes still glistening with tears, 'Ok,'

Kyle straightened then, clearing his throat, 'And as for Meredith? She'll be okay. She can handle herself,'

'I know,' Jess sighed, 'I'm just worried. Where would she have gone? Why did she go?'

'Everything happens for a reason babe, and you never know, only time will tell whether or not she can talk to us,'

* * *

Was it just her or was this roof _very _boring? It did nothing to distract her mind when right now that was all she needed. Tomorrow. Her very first day back at Seattle Grace. What would Cristina and Izzie say? Would they be happy that she was back?

And what was she going to do with herself once she settled in? She needed a house, somewhere to stay, and she needed to support herself. It all seemed so terrifying, so far into the future, that Meredith couldn't imagine it. Her house. What would it look like? Would it be big? Or would she just settle for a small one-bedroom apartment close to the hospital. It wasn't like there was anyone else to share the house with…

She was terrified. Thanks to her mother, Meredith had always had a sense of direction. Where she was going, what she was going to be doing in the next minute, next month, next year, and exactly what to expect around that corner.

But since meeting Derek, she had thrown all caution to the wind, and let their infatuation control everything. When that all fell to pieces, she realized without him she didn't have all that much left to stand on.

So here she was, back at the beginning, trying to pick up the pieces. This was good. It was right. Trying to pick up the pieces, and put her life back together. Build a new life. One without Derek. She would begin tomorrow, by destroying every memory they had ever created. All those clothes she brought would have to go. Even they smelt of him. She didn't need any more reminders of the life she once had…

Sighing, Meredith rolled over onto her stomach, switching off the lamp.

* * *

Derek crawled up his front stairs at the crack of dawn. The sun was just beginning to peek over the rooftops, and he was so tired. The graveyard shift, as quiet as the hospital may be, still took a lot out of people. Especially people like him. It felt like he had sand rubbing angrily against his eyeballs, and he could barely keep them open, with pure exhaustion. His skin felt clammy, was he sick?

In his heart, he knew it was just another symptom of a too long night and he would be recovered by morning. Yet…the entire time, walking through those halls, all he could think about, was her. The early days of New York, working the late shift together, taking turns to fetch coffee, snatching minutes of precious sleep, spooned up against one another in on call rooms, talking in quiet hushed tones over the dull noise of the sleeping hospital. When he thought about it, some of their best memories were created over those shifts together.

His key clicked as he slid it into the lock, the door falling open heavily.

And within an instant of stepping through the front door, he knew, that something, _something_, was different.

There was no sound, coming from deeper down the hall, and last time he checked, no other inhabitants.

But still…something…

He cautiously kicked off his leather shoes, letting them rest where they usually did. And that was when his droopy eyes focused. Shoes. There were a simple pair of black ballet flats with velvet bows obstructing his shoes' path. They were delicate, tiny even and very, very feminine. They clearly did not belong to him. He shifted his view upwards, to see a light, olive green jacket, hung carelessly on the rack.

Within seconds every one of his senses sharpened. He was now aware of the smell of freshly brewed coffee. He could feel the cool tiles beneath him seeping through his socks and into his body, causing a shiver to cross him. But still, he could not hear a thing.

But why else…why else would a woman's clothing be in his front hall? He didn't…

He didn't want to let himself believe just yet, but what evidence did he have to contrary? Could she really be coming home? Was her disappearance just a stunt to make him wake up to his mistakes? Was she in fact, sitting in their kitchen, waiting to talk through their marriage?

His body trembled as he walked forward, toward the kitchen. She was here. For him to hold, to touch, to beg for forgiveness. He was going to do it right this time…he was…

His hands shook dangerously, as her face flew to his mind. Her sad eyes, filled with pain, the last time he saw them. He was going to put a smile on her face and…

And then he stopped dead.

Sitting in his kitchen, on one of the bar stools, was none other than his sister Nancy.

'Shit!' he swore.

His heart dropped miles into his stomach. For one, foolish moment he had let himself believe that she was coming back. That she would _ever _return. How stupid could he get?

'Hi Derek,' Nancy said, her voice sweet, but an edge cutting Derek like a knife, 'How are you?'

'How…how…but…'

He glanced around the kitchen desperately, trying to find how why his sister was here, let alone how the hell she got in.

'How was work?' she said placidly, crossing her ankles. As he did this, his attention was drawn to her slender feet. A pair of strappy heels still encased Nancy's feet, and a sweater was tied easily around her shoulders.

Then who…

'She's definitely gone,' another voice called, as footsteps thudding down the stairs were heard, 'The bed's made on one side. The bathroom's empty. Her clothes are gone,'

'There's no doubt about it!' came another voice, to his left, 'She left her DVD's behind though, What a shame. But she took her books with her,'

'Doesn't surprise me, but yeah, she's left. Her car's gone, and the garage is empty of all her mother's surgical tapes,'

The other three women in the house all emerged from their different spots. Kathleen came from the upstairs, padding barefoot into the kitchen. Lauren appeared from the lounge room's doorway. Sophia came into view from the garage door that led straight in to the kitchen.

They froze as they met with their eldest sister and middle brother in the kitchen.

'Derek!' three voices cried.

And then, as a group, their jaws set and eyes narrowed in a furious glare. Everyone except Nancy was shooting daggers at him.

'Do sit, Derek,' Nancy said sweetly, patting the seat beside her, 'And you too girls,'

His sisters all took seats on the bar stools surrounding the seat he was supposed to sit on.

'But how did you…'

'You know Derek, you really ought to hide your spare key better,' Nancy informed him, dangling a silver key from the tip of her index finger, 'Under the doormat? Honestly? Where did you learn that?'

Derek blushed. He had put that there, when they first moved in, just in case they ever needed it. Now that he thought about it, it was a really stupid place to hide it.

'So?' Nancy continued, her smile like sickly sugar, 'How's Meredith? I thought she'd be here!'

Derek sat down wearily beside his sisters. Was there any point in lying anymore?

Glancing at his sisters, who were all awaiting his response he knew his answer. Yes. There was a point in lying. Protecting his body parts. That was the point.

'You…you just missed her,' he said suspiciously, 'Went to work. Why?'

'Just thought…as my, sister-in-law that we should really talk,'

From beside him, he could see Lauren roll her eyes. Lauren was the baby sister, four years younger than he was. She was passive-aggressive, and would only occasionally hiss out a catty comment when provoked. Despite her girly name, she had always been the tomboy of the family. At the tender age of five, she had informed their mother, that her then-waist length ebony curls, that were her mother's pride and joy, were going to be cut off. Ever since that time, Lauren had always worn her curls cropped, in a short bob that just brushed her chin.

'Cut the shit Nancy!' growled Sophia.

Sophia, two years his senior was the fire of the family. She was by no means passive-aggressive. Sometimes, she was just downright aggressive. He remembered one particular Christmas getting a letter Y from the Scrabble board shoved up his nose. Sophia was the one you _really_ had to get to know to love. Her tough shell was hard to crack at the best of times, and found it very hard to let strangers past that first barrier. That may have been why she was the last member of the Shepherd family that he introduced Meredith too.

'Patience grasshopper,' Nancy scolded, 'I'm getting there,'

'Getting where?' Derek began fearfully. Her dark eyes gleamed dangerously, and he was sent immediately back to his wedding day. That dark, terrifying look that she got that told him, despite her facial expression, that she was not impressed.

'I just wanted to know…why has it been so long since we've seen you and Meredith? I mean…mom's distraught and she hasn't had Meredith drop by for lunch in months. I just thought I'd pop in and ask Meredith to drop by mom's.'

Derek smiled weakly, 'I'll tell her…when she gets home,'

It was then that Nancy's sickly smile dropped.

'Ok, now, cut the shit,' she said coldly, 'You expect me to believe you?'

'Yes! I'm your brother! Why wouldn't I pass the message on!' he protested.

'It's not the message you prick!' Sophia cried, 'It's Meredith! You seriously expect us to believe the crap that you've been feeding us?'

'But…I…Meredith and me…fine…' Derek babbled, grasping desperately to keep his secret safe.

'Derek, I called Meredith,'

It was too late.

'You…but…why?'

'Because, I was knew. I knew that you were lying to me,' Nancy said coolly, arching an eyebrow.

'How?' he breathed, flabbergasted.

'I _always _know,' she said obnoxiously, 'Remember the time you and Mark pushed Kathleen out of your treehouse, and she broke her arm. You tried to tell me she was at a friends place, when in fact she was screaming with pain at the base of a tree. Remember the time you brought that freaking baby bird home in a shoebox when I was babysitting? You tried to tell me it was a new pair of shoes. Derek. I _always _know,'

Derek sighed in defeat, 'So you know,'

'We know,' Kathleen corrected.

And then it struck him. Nancy. Phone. Talk…Nancy had talked to Meredith. Just…hours ago, surely. She knew where she was. She could help…

'You called her!' he cried, his heart leaping again. He was overwhelmed with warmth gushing over his body in excitement, 'You know…you know where she is…is she okay?'

'I know where she is Der…,'

The balloon that had been swelling within him popped unexpectedly and he seemed to deflate instantly.

'But you're not going to tell me,'

'No,' Nancy shrugged simply, 'You don't deserve it!'

'Nancy!' he begged, 'I have to know where she is. I _need _to know where she is,'

I'm sorry Derek. I almost want to tell you but…I can't. She deserves more than that. Than you.,'

'You don't even like her!'

'Exactly,'

She stood up, gathering her purse, her sisters following in unison.

'I'm going to work. In fact, we all are. I think you should know how cowardly it is to let your own family know that you screwed your intern, by your poor wife telling us,' Nancy announced loftily, 'Be at dinner next Sunday,'

With that she clicked presumptuously out of the room. Lauren and Sophia filed behind her, muttering angry comments directed at him. And then it was just him and Kathleen.

She lay a hand on his shoulder gently, 'Don't bash yourself up about it Der,' she whispered, 'Things will turn out alright in the end. Whether it's the way you expected it to or not,'

With that, she brushed a kiss into his hair and then padded out of his kitchen.

At the front door clicked behind her, Derek realized, he'd never felt more alone in his life. Not when Addison cheated. Not when he first came to Seattle. Not even when his father died. He had never ever felt like this before.

Suddenly, from listening to Nancy talk, Meredith felt so far away. His fingers would never forget the feel of her silken skin beneath them, and he would never erase the image of her walking down the aisle to him. But somehow, with every breath he took, his life was drifting further and further away from hers. He knew, that eventually, memories would fade, and become foggy and she would move on without him.

He buried his head deep into his hands, and then he let himself sob.

* * *

_Dr M. E. Grey._ When did she become a Grey again? She sure as hell didn't remember making a conscious decision between the name she had been born with and the name that she had loved to call her own for so long?

It had just…slipped. Somewhere, from the depths of her brain, the name that had been abandoned for so long, had fell from the ink of the cheap biro. And suddenly, she became Meredith Grey again.

It looked so…strange, up there, in official gold lettering. Like it was something revered that everybody needed to read. But it was just her name. Nothing special. An official title glittered just underneath her name, in an unrealistic way. It just didn't make sense. It didn't look right.

It was stupid and just…all she could think about. That office that she had to accommodate wasn't her office. It would never be her office.

It was _his _office. It always would be. She had always known him as the stronger one in their relationship and this office had come naturally with him.

She rested her hand on the silver handle, pushing it down. The door sure hadn't changed. It was still sticky and needed all of her weight resting on it to get it open. The big leather chair that would fit her entire body in it. The tiny desk, squished in the corner to compensate for the chair. The cramped, squishy sofa, which had springs almost bursting out of it, from over use. It was the room they had consummated many occasions on. First date…second date…two hundredth and twenty second date. Engagement. Marriage…

And now divorce. She was coming back to this office, their spot, to…if it was the right word; celebrate the downfall of their relationship.

It was hers now. The office she had to claim as her own, live in and work out of. All traces of Derek were gone, and all Meredith could see was the wrath that her predecessor had imposed on these four small walls. Dr James, from her recollection had always been a girly girl, and the sickly smell of stale perfume was making Meredith queasy. Ugh…

Meredith gripped at her forehead, supporting herself on the desk, waiting for the nausea to pass. The woman really had to stop wearing perfume at all.

With her head bowed, she could see the glossy top of her new desk. A fresh calendar sat just underneath a staff laptop, already her username and password to login in, taped on the screen. It really was her own office now.

She was now responsible for every attending, resident, intern, patients and patient's family that dealt with, or had a head trauma. If someone screwed up it was on her back. Her fault.

Oh god. What the hell was she doing?

'Dr Grey are you okay?'

Meredith lifted her head to see Richard's head peering through the door frame. She grimaced and then straightened up, 'Yeah, I'm okay…just feeling a little nervous. That's normal, right?'

'Yeah…of course,' he said shrugged.

'Good,'

'So are you ready to get out there? I thought I'd announce your appointment to the staff, it would help if you're there,'

'Ok. Give me a second. I have to change and then I'll be out,'

Meredith slid into the navy scrubs, with a bizarre feeling building in the pit of her stomach. It was real. She was head of neurosurgery. Sliding on the white lab coat, she took a deep breath.

First day of work…she could do this…

* * *

_When you love someone  
And they break your heart  
don't give up on love  
Have faith, restart  
Just hold on_


End file.
